This is the first in a series I did called "Eulogy." Subject is Kris Quiaoit, and this is him in the tattoo parlor. Name of this particular photo is "Pain."

"Wound"

"Recovery." Tending the wound.

"Reflection" is the final one in the series. It is the symbol for mother. On top are her initials, Teofila Crisiono Quiaoit, and underneath is the date of passing, Feb. 24, 2002.

Good Morning Friday!!!!

That's right, it's' not even 7:00 am yet. "But Rob, what are you doing up so early?" Well my friends, I'm blogging. See since I screwed up yesterday, I wanted to make sure to hit today. And today I'm going to Springfield to take more tests for that CMS job thing. I figure since I'm driving all the way down there I should make the most out of it. I'm shooting for 3 tests, which at an hour and a half each, puts me at like 7 hours of testing (yeah, so I didn't do so well on the math part.)

To anyone who didn't get a chance yet, make sure you check out "Bunny suicides" from yesterday's post. They're my new favorite "comic." Anywho, I figured I'd be nice enough to show you what sparked the whole religious discussion the other day. I went to the mail box and what did I find? Some real-life spam! Not the regular email type of spam that I'm used to, this came to my house in physical form. Here's a sampling (formatting is exactly the same as the original:

"Dear...Someone Conected with This Address,

People just like you are writing to this 53-year-old church, telling us of all types of blessings since this church started praying with them.[...] Many of them are receiving spiritual, physical and financial blessings of all types - better jobs, raises in salaries, being able to buy and sell homes, buying new cars, and so on."

Does anyone else see a problem with a church baiting people with worldly possessions? And it's not just those either, "Actually these dear people are receiving so many blessing that it is impossible to mention them all in a letter." So what do you have to do? Just pray on the "First Church Prayer Rug!" That's right, a little fold out paper prayer rug is included. And they claim that:

"Notice the face of Jesus on this Church Prayer Rug. When you first look, you will notice that His eyes are closed. If you relax and continue looking straight into His eyes, you will see His eyes slowly opening, and he will begin looking back at you... Use this unusual, important, Church Prayer Rug for tonight only."

*Sigh* The power of suggestion. Oh wait, the power of suggestion + the power of careful photoshop = Relgious Experience. Its harder to make out on the scan, but trust me, I know photoshop. The reason you see the eyes open is because, VERY faintly, theres a picture of the open eyes hidden in there. That's all I'm gonna copy from the article. Just know that you also read about Sister So-and-so who got $50,000. And there's a big check list of what you want to be blessed with, how much money you wish to have blessed to you, and (of course) how much money you want to bless to the church.

So, someone actually took the time and photoshop'ed this picture of Christ so that he would give the illusion of having his eyes open so that people would have a religious experience. Is this deceit? Does s/he think that its for the greater good and bringing people closer to God? Is the lure of material goods and optical illusions really the way we wanted to go here?

Eh...

Woah, totally forgot....

Sorry, my bad. But at least it was a decent post to leave up for 2 days. ANYWAYS, I'll save the good post for tomorrow, since I already botched today. In the meantime, check this out:

BUNNY SUICIDES!!!

A Religious Experience...

Alright. So I received something in the mail today, the actual mail not email, that did two thing for me.

• it made me miss seeing all the random crap I got at American Water (Melinda you have to keep me updated on that stuff).
• it sparked this religious centered posting.

First off, here's something I wanted to share with you, these are just my own theories, take it or leave it. So one of the big things in religion is "Do not use God's name in Vain." Most people take this as "Don't say GD." For a purpose of illustration only, I'll show you what I mean:
"God damn you Joe!"

Now, I don't think that's the right interpretation at all. True, I never use G.D. but nonetheless, better to be safe than sorry, right? I think it means exactly what it says, "Don't throw around God's name and say that X,Y,Z is God's will." Example one, Islamic Terrorists. Anyone who thinks that Islam is actually a dangerous religion... WAKE UP! There are some screwed up people who are in a really screwed up situation who happen to be Muslim. I believe that them saying that they are doing what they are doing in the name of Allah/God is exactly what not using God's name in vain is about. There have been some really screwed up "Christian" movements:

"Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator: by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord." -Adolf Hitler

Oh, and here you can buy KKK T-shirts from Christian Books and Things.

What about the Spanish Inquisition? Salem Witch Trials? yeah, all done in the name of God. And THAT is what I believe to be using God's name in vain. So there you have it. I'm afraid this is already long enough, so I won't talk about what I received specifically... I'll hold on to it for later.

Hold Music.

Alright, So I'm on hold with the insurance company right now... I've already heard two songs since I've been waiting, but do you know what one of those songs were? New Kids On The Block - Hanging Tough. That's right, I was pretty psyc'd when that happened. But I thought I'd use this time wisely and go ahead and post for... HOLY CRAP they answered...

Ok, back. So here's what happened. The hospital screwed up and didn't get my insurance information to all the parties who needed it. And they took a month to notify me of the situation. So I took care of it. But the Insurance company took their sweet ass time and now I'm overdue. They said that, "yes. We recieved the paperwork on 2/3/05. But it has not yet been processed. It can take up to 4 weeks to process... Which if my math works out right, that's about the time I'll be sent ANOTHER "friendly reminder" that I owe the hospital money. The insurance company said if something goes wrong, they'll notify me via my mail box. And we know how speedy that will be. Why is it that when you owe an insurance company money, they're right on top of that, but if they owe you, it some how gets knocked down a few pegs on the priority.

I don't watch Seinfield... I really don't appreciate it as much as everyone else seems to do. But I do know that one episode Kramer wanted to make a "Bro" (bra for men)... check this out. I'm not normally one to judge... but COME ON! I've heard of some cracked out stuff, and this frankly fits right up there. Except the problem is, on the website they seem to think it's Normal Everyday Male behaviour:

They make a great gift for any guy. People have bought them for that wedding night, for stag parties, birthday presents, anniversary gifts, retirement parties, for that special night together, and just to wear every day because they are the most comfortable and softest underwear a man could ever have.

Seriously. Get help.

(and what is a Stag Party... that doesn't sound so good to me either.)

To post or not to post...

Alright, it's debatable whether or not I have to post today. As many of you may or may not know, today is "President's Day!" What does that mean to me? I means that when I called my insurance company to yell at them because I recieved a bill for something that was supposedly taken care of, THEY WERE CLOSED! I then had to call mom to find out what was so special about today, the 3rd monday of Feburary, that would lead to my insurance agency being closed. Pfft... President's day.

So what is president's day, you may ask? Is it a time when we should sit back and reflect how awesome our president is, as well as all the presidents of years past? Nah, it's just ol' Georgie Washington's Birthday. So it's just a tradition that pretty much started as "Hey, it's the President's Birthday" but then they kept celebrating it even after he left office, 'cause seriously, what did John Adams I ever really do? I mean, besides getting his kid into power after him (Hooray for Politics).

So today is really just George Washington's Birthday, and so we should celebrate it as such. I say go make a cake, blow up some ballons and sing Happy Birthday Georgie!

Here's some Fun Facts to share around the dinner table tonight:

• George Washington started school when he was six years old. He left school at 15 to become a surveyor because his mother couldn't afford to send him to college.
• When George Washington was elected President, there was a king in France, a czarina in Russia, an emperor in China, and a shogun in Japan. Only the office of President remains.
• He bred hound dogs that he treated like members of the family. He gave some of them unusual names: Tarter, True Love, and Sweet Lips.
• At his inauguration, Washington had only one tooth. At various times he wore dentures made of human or animal teeth, ivory or lead -- never wood. And because of this his inauguration speech was 183 words long and took 90 seconds to read.
• The six white horses in Washington's stables had their teeth brushed every morning on Washington's orders.
• Although he helped plan the nation's new capital city that was named for him, he never lived there. New York City and, later, Philadelphia were the nation's capitals while he was president.
• In October 1789, he proclaimed November 26, 1789 as Thanksgiving Day
• Washington refused to wear a powdered wig, which was high fashion in the late 1700s. Instead, he powdered his red-brown hair and ties it in a short braid down his back.
• He was a very loud snorer.

"The Man" and Me.

I don't like to think about it as I'm going to be working for "The Man" soon. I prefer thinking that I'm just one step closer to becoming "The Man." Or as Tim likes to say, I'm working on Destroying the System from Within. So for all of you who were confused as to what CMS is, let me break it down for you. The CMS building is nothing more than a large filing cabinet. I mean that quite literally, its a big and silver and has three large drawers that you can pull out. Anyways within this mystical place live the CMS gnomes. Anyways, So if the government has a position open up, say for Government Light Bulb Changer, then they simply ask their little gnomes for everyone who's applied for that job. So where I come into play is, I fill out an application for EVERY JOB I WANT TO APPLY FOR! No big deal right? How about this, I have to take an hour and a half long test for each job. They don't really tell you which ones have openings, they just give you the list of every job that they provide for. So yeah, I applied for and tested for some of the office jobs while I was up there, mainly because they said that those are the most commonly placed jobs. And they said that once you have a government job, it's WAY easier to get a better one. Most people apparently switch around a lot.

So yeah... that was exciting. Let me tell you... best part is, I have go back to take more tests. These things are like the ACT in parts and not fun at all. So that's what Rob is doing today. Looking through lists of jobs and getting his applications together. Hope your day is going awesome though!

Here's your daily PSA: Wear your seatbelt.

Nuns and Dinner Dates

Ok, CMS application almost done. Got to go to Springfield tomorrow for interview, I will let you all know how it goes. Rob's job search and life have pretty much been on hold the last few days. I'm really just waiting to see what this CMS thing is all about. Sometimes that's just what you have to do though, you have to experience something to know what its really like. This CMS thing may be awesome, or may be awful. I'll just have to find out firsthand. It's kinda like Sin. If you're a group of 12 nuns you won't really know what sin is until you have a two week sex and alcohol binge... sound like a stretch? Here.

Also just so everyone knows, I gave up shaving and showering all together as of late. Its over-rated. I mean, I'll probably shower/shave tomorrow for the interview, but other than that why should I? Girls say that washing your hair everyday is bad, and I totally agree. I have no job. My girlfriend is too far away to smell me. I'm just gonna sit here in the rank cesspool that is my own filth and rot. By the way, My girlfriend is awesome. She got me the cookbook I wanted for Valentines day. And she gave me some chocolates she melted down and made herself. If that's not cute, I don't know what is. I'll keep her.

But to spark conversation: I want to ask the age old question of, If you could sit down to dinner with any person tomorrow, who would it be and why. Here's the catch: it hs to be a living person, can be fictious/character, and it can't be a super serious answer. No one is allowed to say _______ Cause he's such a great person and I just want to pick his brain. I'd rather hear "Bambi, because I really like deer meat." then "The new president of Iraq so that we can discuss the future of blah blah blah."

My answer is, and has been for a while, "Osama Bin Laden." Why? Cause I'd punch him in the face, call the Feds and collect my $100,000,000 or whatever it is up to now.

So lets hear it.

Hatred.

Here's the copy and paste of a message I sent Ro.

ARUGHHH!!!!
Hate This Form!
Loathe
Despise
Abhor
Detest
Dislike Intensely

Seriously. Condensing my life down into a nice 5 page bite-sized chunk sucks. Take my graphic design, photoshop or web design classes... Where do they go? Art? That's technically the school they were located in as far as ISU was concerned. But I highly doubt that the state is really searching for an ARTIST. So I'm left with Programing, and Computer Science. Which isn't lying in some cases: HTML and Flash Actionscripting is a form of programing. Anyways, most of the 137 college credit hours I have fit into multiple catagories or none once so ever. And on top of that I have to make myself sound marketable. Then don't even get me started on the "Previous Employment" section. I was on the phone with Keystone for a while, then faxed them the form, and together we still weren't exactly happy with the results. They want so much specific information that is was impossible for a person who worked as a temp for 3 years to actually accomidate. So I'm forced to generalize - which doesn't get me any bonus points, for sure.

Bah... This CMS application sucks. But lets just cross our fingers and know that it will all be worth it, right? We'll see.

Thought for the day: I think God gave deer's eye shine for the sole purpose of highway saftey. And on that note, if I lived in a rural area, but on a major highway, I'd have those fake deer on my yard but close to the road. And I would paint that clear fingernail polish on their eyes so they shined real bright. And then I would move them around every couple of days. I like to keep people on their toes.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Definately in Bloomington with Ro. No Post for today. You're lucky enough that I thought to write this and give you a heads up... so I don't want to hear any grief for a crappy post.

Castles and CMS...

Hey, it's another selection from Rob's Artistic Portfolio. This is a photo I took at Illinois State University. Yeah, that's right, I do a bit of photography as well. Anyways, its taken from DeGarmo for anyone familiar with ISU. I like it. Its mainly a scenic shot, but it's cool 'cause of the contrast of textures (yeah that's right, I can give artsy explainations too.)

As far as the job update, I have an appointment with CMS (the hiring office for state jobs) next Thursday. Before I go I have to finish a 97-page application... it sucks. They want to know every placement Keystone has put me at, how many hours I worked a week for each stint of each job, and all this other work related nonsense. They also not only want my ISU Transcripts, but they need me to break down my class work into their not-so-easy to follow form. I'm currently trying to figure out what catagory "Billards" falls into... hmmm...

Alright Geeze...

I forgot one time, what if I jumped over each one of you EACH TIME you forgot to post a comment... Miss Rowela, I know for a fact you'll go a week "forgetting" to check my blog...

Anyways, Update on Rob being unemployed:
Yesterday I sent off resumes for two ads I saw in the Springfield Newspaper. One was a computer tech job for a company, and the other was as a paralegal's assistant. Now both of those would just be place holder jobs 'till I better figured out what I wanted to do. And right now I don't know if I'd want to do computers, or if I'd be interested in law - but I've got to start somewhere. Here's the kicker, and its what I want you employed, house/apartment owning people to help me out with. I figure I need about 400 a month for a small apartment. And I've always heard the rule of thumb is that your rent shouldn't exceed one pay check. Well... the way I figure it, that means I have to make about $14 an hour. Does that all sound right to everyone else? This whole job finding thing sucks.

So you want to see some of the random stuff I've found online recently? Is that what you want? Ok, here. I want to know if anyone can tell me if that thing is real, and works. (Trevor, sounds like your department) . And Jen, I realize that this says "teenager" but I haven't ruled out your husband as being involved. Kim, next time lil' Nicky acts up use Uncle Rob's method. And for Melinda, a cute enough to make you vomit picture of a bunny laying on top of a dog.

There, that covers the AWR team. Now what I want in return. I want to hear some summaries of how things are different without me. I want to know what you've heard people say about me now that I'm gone. Remember this website, in the end, is about me.

Illinois: Tribe of Superior Men

So now you know the meaning of "Illinois." The word is Algonquin Indian for "tribe of superior men." I took a trip to the capital in Springfield this weekend. Yes Scott, Breyn and Tabitha. I was there again and didn't tell anyone. But I was spending quality time with my best friend and his wifey-to-be. So everyone is just going to have to deal with it. ANYWAYS! I learned a lot about our state and our capital. Most people know that our state bird is the cardinal, our Motto is "The Prairie State" and our flower is the violet. Want to know one thing that pisses me off though? Our state dance. Know what it is? I mean I could handle just about anything here. Swing would be awesome. Foxtrot, Waltz, Jitterbug, any of that is fine by me. But what is our state dance? THE FRICKIN' SQUARE DANCE! lame.

One final note... did everyone here know that we have a state dirt? I can't make this stuff up... I kid you not, our state soil is "Drummer-silty clay loam." I have the little informational card with Jessie White's signature on it that I picked up from the captial building in my hand right now. So now when you're walking around and see some Drummer-Silty Clay Loam... you can tell people, "Hey! That's our state dirt!"

My Superbowl Post

Alright, so it's not exactly a secret that if I was on a sitcom where me and my friends were catagorically put into ridiculously simplified stereotypes, I would not be "The Jock." Now I don't object to Superbowl parties in the slightest, I'm a big fan of most any social gathering. However, this year I didn't have one lined up and spent the weekend with my girlfriend. Now its true that if the Rams were in it, theres a better chance I would have watched. If someone had offered me a million dollars if I could correctly tell them who had won the superbowl, I'd be a million dollars richer. Not because I knew the answer to that question, but The Patriots were the only team I knew was playing. Now what makes this all the better, is that we had the superbowl recorded and I JUST finished watching it. Yeah, I used our TIVO to skip all the football stuff and just watch the commercials.

So here's my Superbowl Review!!!!

I have to say I felt good about this year. It had a pretty solid start. I was a fan of the beer commercial where they threw the 6-pack out of the airplane to coax to jumper. The Pepsi/iTunes ones... uhh not so much, and the one where the superstars were all mini, I didn't care for either. Now Diet Pepsi was a strong contender in my eyes, as was both commercials involving hot chicks. The tobasco sauce commercial: Did you know she was burnt under her swimsuit? yeah, they didn't make that real clear. I'm assuming they were worried about FCC fines and such for being too trashy, so they didn't want to show it too long. But it was too quick and no one got the joke. Also I want everyone to read this clip from a newspaper article:

Most advertisers were unusually conservative in both subject and presentation. The only outwardly provocative ad was from GoDaddy.com, a little-known domain registry site.

The ad showed a buxom woman have a wardrobe malfunction while testifying before a congressional panel. It upset some viewers.

"I don't get the one with the girl whose top was coming down," says Robin Dodson, 26, a student from Austin. "It was degrading, almost." Adds Ron Sarro, 66, an actor from North Bethesda, Md.: "Do TV and the NFL really call that reform?

Sometimes, I simply hate American TV. I want to look up this Ron Sarro and send him instructions on how remove that stick. Maybe I'll include pictures... nice and graphic.

Crash Course in Humor (volume 2)

Some of my older bloggites may remember a post I did about "Offensive is Funny." Think of this as part two of Rob's Humor Guide. Today's lesson is on recylced material.

This is inspired by Scott's comments on yesterday's Smallville Topic. Now the inside joke that no one else got there, was the entire first two paragraphs of his comment I had received as an Instant Message during the course of the show. We're talking, word for word. Now is this any fault of Scott's? No. Would I have normally called him out on it? No. But I'm just illustrating the example. Everyone does it. If you tell a joke or a funny story about something that happened to you, and you get a good response, you're bound to tell it again. But boy is it awkward when you're caught. That's why I don't tell very many Europe stories, because I can no longer keep straight who I've told what stories... and I know when I tell them, I say them almost verbatim. When you hear someone tell a funny story or joke more than once, the illusion of spontaneity is broken. Although it may have even been original the first time you heard it, the whole story is cheapened somehow when you hear the repeat.

Its kinda like the kid in the group who's not really funny... but says something funny one day, and then he just beats it into the ground. The old beating a dead horse scenario and the kid has now gone from being that quiet kid to funny to irritating. Its a fine line, if you've got good material, you want everyone to hear it. But you must mind your audience.

This has been a Public Service Announcement brought to you by: Rob French

Where's That Pause Button??

"I don't want to grow up. I'm a Toys R Us Kid. There's a million toys at Toys R Us That I can..." Oh screw it. No matter how hard you fight it, life really tries to force you to grow up. Eventually you have to graduate from school... then you have to get a job. Then your friends all start getting married. First it was Frank. Shocker, but we dealt with it just fine. Then PJ... hardly counts cause he DIDN'T TELL US!!! (Yeah, I don't think I ever really yelled at you for that one PJ.) Then Lisa - She was always the grown up type.

And now "best friend" Josh. He got engaged to Allyn last night. I quit. I suck at this game. But that shouldn't take away from Josh's moment, so... Congratulations Josh! You're lucky I really like this one. I mean, it's like I told Lisa... If I didn't like the significant other, there would be significant problems. But I think she's a keeper. I mean sure... there are plenty of fish in the sea, but you caught a really nice fish. (Here is the spot that I wanted to put something about how you should mount her on your wall - but I couldn't find a way that seemed tactful and didn't sound like a double entendre.)

So Here I am floating through life, NO IDEA what I want to do... and everyone else is freakin' getting married. Hate you all. In the meantime I always have Smallville. Hey Melinda, why the hell didn't the girl just teleport away when creepy kid caught her? I mean, seriously. I have to admit - not my favorite episode... even if Lana did have a shower scene (it was probably a body double anyways). And did you see the trailer for next weeks? Ro really hates Lois, and she's really hoping that Lois Lane dies next week. I just don't have the heart to tell her... eh, she'll figure it out.

This is how I feel right now... This is also how I felt back when I had a huge art portfolio due in college. Coincidentally they're much the same feeling. So there you have it folks, a Rob French Original. (Kim and Melinda may remember that back in 2002 I had a goatee.) But I had promised you artwork a while ago and here it is. For those of you who may have thought I was a bit crazy before - here's your proof. Whachu think??

Teaching, eh?

Let me tell you a little story about how good I am with the little ones...

When we were playing lazer tag this weekend, there was this squad of little terrors there. Just over the bellybutton high, and stuck together in 2 swarms of about 5. They were "playing" lazer tag with us the last two games. And let me tell you, they talked a WHOLE lot of smack the entire time. And they would just follow people around and shoot them over and over and over again. It was really irritating. Eventually I got surrounded by them and they started yelling and poking thier guns in my face and being highly obnoxious. That's when I grabbed one by the head and pushed him back against the wall. It was a gentle push... more or less just making me an exit and moving him out of the way. But I wanted to pick him up by that head and throw him over the balcony. You know how some tolerant people are all like, "Kids will be kids..." Well, that's about the time I start looking for rocks to throw. Ask Ro, these kids were vicious.

Anyways, today was riddled with errands. Dealing with bills, and medical stuff. I bought an organizer yesterday so I could put all my paperwork in one place. Yeah, found an extra couple of bills while I was sorting, so good thing I did that. Anyways, no job break throughs yet... I'll keep you posted.