Pride Can Be a Good Thing... Unless You're Tim

So we know that taking pride in one's work is good, right? Well, that is unless your "work" is now 209 squares and over 33,000 points. Tim is getting frickin' unbearable. If I had the time and energy to devote, I'd knock him off his high horse in no time... I'm debating practicing at home. Anyways - I am permentantly extending the Squares Challenge to the masses, let's see what you got. Even if it's no where near Tim's. Frankly, eBaumsworld is bragging about a 18,000 point highscore, so Tim is blowing them away.

Also quick story. I had a "Bush Sucks" icon on my desktop... and a particular member of upper managment saw it and claimed that we weren't allowed to have "political statments" on our desktop... well, he says this as he's throwing around his own weight in Pro-Bush B.S. and even pulls out the "Besides, you're not gay are you?" Isn't it great that homophobia is such a driving force in our country, nothing worse than the thought of dudes kissing. Anyways. Since I can't make "political statments" at work, and I didn't want to argue with upper management... I got rid of my little picture. Oh yeah, and I replaced it with a gay pride sticker. Nice Rainbow flag with a pink triangle in the middle. So many people think that calling you gay is the worst thing they can think of... eh, I could care less. GO GAY PRIDE!!! Down with GayHaters! and... I'm done. Sorry, it builds up sometimes.

Anyways, that's my lecture on pride today. The 80's Quote will be posted soon via the comments section... won't it josh. Alright, I'm going back to flamboyantly sorting the mail.

Happy Greenday!

Sooo.... I, through perfectly legal means, obtained the new greenday CD (American Idiot) and their greatest hits album (International Superhits). So that's why today is no longer Monday, but Greenday. And just so all my worried fans know, I'm starting to feel much better. So that's good! But this isn't a blog about me, it's about me at work. So this is what you've all missed out on today.

1) Smoking Sucks. Rene (QB) quit smoking Sept 18th. And she's still going strong. So that's awesome. Donna, another co-worker-overseer type person, said that she's quitting today! So that's two points for the ol' Lungs. And I would have everyone know, that this was NONE of my doing. As any of the other people here at work if they've EVER heard me preach about smoking or anything. What I can do, is try and support people once they've made their decision to stop. Which is why I'm taking a moment to say that "Rene is Awesome!!!!" and Donna is rapidly approaching awesomeness. I think everyone should give Rene a hug today... it really is a shame that I had to fire her today (multiple times).

2) The Links for today that have been passed around via company email today:

213 Things Skippy Can't Do This guy reminds me of my time in the army... had I been in the army that is. By all accounts and research, this is a fairly factual list of things that "Skippy" has actually been told that he cannot do, through either his own actions, or those of others around him. It's pretty entertaining.

The Hardee's Heartattack! I think I'm in love... heart clogging love.

Squares This is Tim and I's new game for the day. I will go ahead and post the challenge to you all. We'll keep you updated on the highscores via comments, and you should do likewise. Currently Tim has the high with 185 squares and a score of 26,653. Good luck.

3) Finally the quote section. Scott, no one got your quote. Jen (here at work) got it because of the "Heat is On" hint, and that's about it. So congrats Jen on that, and to Scott for a difficult quote... for everyone else, the movie was "Beverly Hills Cop." So here's the one for today... Its from Jen and there's a bit of a lead in that I cut out (because it would make it ridiculously easy). So here you go:

"You want me to go to the graveyard with you..."
"Yes."
"Does Elvis talk to you? Does he tell you do to things? Do you see spots?"
"Spots?"

Let's Do This!

Alright, I get off work in 15 minutes... and I have to make a frickin' awesome post to last through the Skanksgiving Break. Pressure is on! Can I handle it? It's gotta be good...

So what to write about, I could do another bitch'n'moan session about how management came out and told us that they were thinking about letting us go early... and then never did! But I doubt you want to hear about that. I could write about how we all went out to Applebee's for Kimmy's Birthday. And that's why I had to work over an hour to make up for that time taking a lunch, and how they forgot to place our order, and our waiter was stoned outta his mind, and my Orange Crispy Chicken Skillet was awesome... but I doubt you want to hear about that as well. SOOoooo...... Instead I'm gonna tell you a little story. Something that came to me on my drive to work today.

For those of you who don't know, Scotty2Hotty is actually a distant cousin of mine. You know the type. One of those Married into the family, don't really go to the same family reunions, second/third removed things on my mom's side that we don't really want to claim anyways. And TimmyTapeworm is my best friends brother, who happens to be a stand-alone decent friend of mine anyways. Well, I just realized that my earliest memory of Scott happens to coincide with my earliest strong memory of Tim. How wierd is that? I bet they won't even know what I'm talking about after I tell it, but I swear its true.

I was probably in Jr. High (putting them in Elementary) and The Ryder (Tim) Family and The French (Me) family went to the Gresham (Scott) Family's house for Halloween Party. It was actually a lot like the ones you see on TV. They had done the attic up like a haunted house, and they had covered bowls that you were suppost to stick you hand in... and the cold spagatti was brains, and Olives were eyeballs, or something like that. It was also my first experience with Dry Ice, but that's a whole other story. Anyways - This Attic Halloween Party was at Scott's house and I'm not so sure I've spoken to him in real life since then. Tim was apparently forced to go along, and not enjoying it one bit. This was during Tim's awkward stage. I mean, the boy was smarter than most of the adults in the room and it made him a bit shy or something. It wasn't very many years later that he discovered he could use this keen intellitect for the good of humor, and could make people laugh by simply pointing out how dumb others could be. Anyways, sorry for bring up that story Tim, but its good to remember our awkward, antisocial roots. We all love you.

Well that wasn't really the great post I was hoping for.... Dammit... I always crack under pressure. Well, I can leave you with a quote if nothing else, and if at least 5 people complain about this post sucking, I'll make a new one over break, deal? Here's Scott's quote, good luck guys.

"Disturbing the peace? I got pushed out of a window! Tell me something, what's the charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?"

"Been Caught Stealing, Once When I Was Five..."

Alright, since Scotty seemed incapable of coming up with a quote to consummate his victory - I'm just gonna have to do it for him. Way to go, Scott.

"He'll keep calling me.

He'll keep calling me until I come over.

He'll make me feel guilty.
This is uh... This is ridiculous,

ok I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.

What-- I'LL GO.
Shit."

Alright gang, have fun with that one. And The magic word for today is "Stealing." So you all know what to do when you hear someone say the magic word, right? No, not get busted for indecent exposure and send your already sad career down the toilet... anyways, here's your education for the day:

Robbery Foiled When
Bandits Can't Figure Out How To Open Door
Man cuts off thieving teens' penises
Common Ways Students Cheat on Exams
Judge Gives Lasagna Thief 40 Years
Thief smelled out

Alright, so there you go. Don't steal. I hope I helped all of you waste some precious time, as I had wasted gathering these up. I'm still sick, but I'm trying to provide... cut me some slack.

This job is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job you would have recieved bonuses, raises and promotions.

Ok, I know I promised frickin awesome posts this week, but here's the deal. I'm not feeling to hot right now. But I'm gonna try my best.

Congrats on getting the Real Genius Quote. Excelent movie - check it out if your craving some 80's love. FeedsGators, I knew you'd know it... you said it was one of your favorites. And the unsigned post who gave the setup and everything was my friend, Phil. And since Jen passed her win along to him, I'll let him use his quote for today's game.

"Wait! I have an idea! Slick Shoes!!!"
"Slick Shoes?? Are you crazy?!"

So there you go folks. Maybe that can be the new thing, if the winner wants, they can post the new 80's quote themselves. It'd be optional, so don't worry about it if you don't have one.

The title of this post, was a printout that we recieved from a customer in a return envelope. Why? Who knows, but we all thought it was hilarious. I may not be recieving any promotions (nor do I WANT one) but I did just reach my 1500 hour mark with my temp agency. Which means I get paid vacations (i.e. Thurs/Fri) and I get 5 paid vacation days too! I expect to use them in the near future and getting out of here shortly there after. How about using the vacation day to try and get a new job - sounds like a plan to me.

Here's your awesome link for the day - Target sells Anal Massage DVD (thanks Trevor!) Everyone, have an awesome Monday, I'm getting off work at 2 and not going to Taekwondo tonight to try and recouporate. Later suckers.

"The System is Down."

Alright, so I went to comment on yesterday's post and typed it all up twice. Once I accidently closed it, when I meant to minimize and once I accidentally Logged Out instead of Submitting... it's just one of those days. So here's the summary: I find it funny that the same reasons that Jimmy Buffet fans give for liking him, are the same as the reason I can't stand him. Seriously "Let's Get Drunk and Screw" and "Cheeseburger in Paradise," give me a break. Secondly, I couldn't believe that a random won the quote contest... Congrats GatorBoy. Now the rule that I'm going to make right now, is that you can't win twice in a row. So Gator is ineligable for today's but can try again on Monday, if you decide to become a regular. Anyways, Today's 80's Quote Quiz! Remember, no googling, first to name the movie and something about the scenerio (mainly to prove you didn't just google it), and Gator can't guess.

"What's all this??"
"This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated"

So, for today's actual content... "The System is Down."
Here's the problem with structure and having a system. Then everyone just tries to get around it. New Boss here is more worried about numbers and things coming out right on paper than she is with being realistic. And so I know that as long as the numbers come out right... we don't have to worry about anything. Now, under old management, the boss was always talking to us, checking in with us, asking about our weekend and such. And it wasn't just idle chitchat... it was legitamite conversation. He gave us respect and I had a great deal of respect for him. I worked hard because I didn't want him to be disappointed. New management however... not so much. I really feel that we are all simply numbers and therefore, I really don't care too much. Let that be a lesson to all you future managerial-types out there. High morale is more important than that mysterious email that tells us that we took a 16-minute break (1 minute over) last Tuesday.

Ok, I swear, next week = FRICKIN' AWESOME POSTS! No gripes, no BS, just quality material. Thanks for hanging in there for me. I'll tell you what, tell me what previous posts you liked, and which ones you didn't... let me know so I can cater to YOUR needs. But for now, I'm out like a porch light in the ghetto.

80's Movies Fun!!!

Anyone ever seen the movie "Heathers" starring Winona Ryder, Christian Slater and Shannen Doherty. It's the original "Mean Girls," except instead of mean - they're deadly. It's a black comedy, meaning its a bit sadistic yet humorous. Anyways, Jen at work was nice enough to introduce it to me and I'm forever in her debt because of it. So why am I bringing this up?

Teenage Girls Serve Poison Cake to Classmates

So there you have it folks. Its a screwed up world. But on a lighter note, I have a new game. Its called Name the movie (and if possible, the set-up) for an 80's movie quote. NO CHEATING!!! That means you're on the honor system not to Google it (Ro, this means you too.) And today's quote is an easy one to get us going:

"You shouldn't drink. It's bad for you... JESUS AND YOU SMOKE TOO!?!?"

"Marty, you're starting to sound like my mother."

And to round out my 80's movies post, my favorite 80's movies memory...
When I was younger, we had that collection of VHS tapes where we would record movies right off of HBO or whatever. It was a pretty nice size collection - but I'll tell you which ones I wore out the quickest... Tremors, Critters, and Gremlins. In Rob French's childhood, those are the classics, the Great Gatsby of my time. And now I own most of them on DVD, and DVD's never wear out.

In keeping with the holiday theme:

I would like to thank you all--for being so wonderful and supportive, warm and caring, loyal and honest... etc etc etc. But now since we've discussed all the things that I have and am thankful for. Lets now switch gears to the things that I have not.

I need some help with my Christmas wish list. The parents and grandparents are asking what I want... So here's what I got so far:

Steamer/Rice Cooker
World Peace
Some Car Wash Gift Certificates
Bush's Conviction as a War Criminal and Impeachment
A Heavy Bag (So I have something to beat besides my girlfriend... therapist says it'd do me some good)
a 2006 Pontiac Solstice (Gotta go with GM 'cause of dad, and that car does look pretty sweet)

So like I said, my list needs some work. I need some more ideas (some serious ones wouldn't be so bad either... if you got 'em.) I hope everyone has a happy Wednesday! SMALLVILLE'S ON TONIGHT! and Southpark! I'll try and get something interesting up on this blog next time. But hey, at least I post (ahem... Tim). Later!

Turkey, Turkey Tofurkey

(sing the title to the tune of "The Name Game")

Alright, So it's a little soon for Thanksgiving posts, but I've got some fodder to play with. Updates on what's going on in the trailer park that I call work: We opened some mail yesterday and all it had in it was a note that said "Bite Me Bitch!!!" It could have been a 20-30 year old guy, but it hardly seems right that a younger guy would get all up in arms about "junk mail." That's normally our 50-90 year old demographic. And it makes it funnier to think of a 80 year old guy with Parkinson's (refer to last post) saying 'bite me bitch'.

Also, Being Boiled Hurts: LobsterLib.com and What's Wrong With Eating Turkeys
Peta has been coming in full force with the holiday season approaching. Did you know that "Turkeys are interesting, intelligent, resourceful, curious, agile and beautiful". I hope you remember that this Thanksgiving. Also remember that

"Factory-farmed birds are fed antibiotics and have been purposely bred to gain an enormous amount of weight in a short period of time. This leads to painful, swollen joints, crippled feet, and heart attacks."

Was that last part about the Turkeys? or the American Public? And who are they kidding? Do they think we want to eat some anorexic, skin and bones, turkey for our thanksgiving feast? I think not!

Breyn posed a good question to me earlier: Tofu-rkey. Good Thanksgiving Alternative, Disgusting Concept, or just a Really Funny Word.

Everyone remember to be thankful this holiday, and I want to give us all the chance to start preparing for the inevitable question: What are you thankful for? So Let me provide the space to share some of your own ideas and help others brainstorm. I, for one am thankful for Kristen Kruek, The Incredibles, Chocolate, We haven't been nuked... yet, Southpark, My computer, and My Blogittes.

(*Geeze, I had a lot of typos on this thing... fixed 'em though)

Offensive is Funny

Hewwo Everybody! I'm back from my long weekend upstate and had an awesome time. Watched movies, ate good food, played games, saw Ro's sister in her Highschool Play... which prompts my next discussion. The play took place in a home for people with special needs. Therefore, all but two of the people in it were mentally handicapped in some way. The play was good, however it prompted Ro's brother and I to be as offensive as possible. Offensive is funny - this is not a new concept by any stretch of the imagination. When asked "So what'd you think of the play?" I of course responded with, "That play was Retarded." Now I believe there are rules for offensive being funny, and most importantly being, it should be clear that you are not serious in the slightest. Secondly, you should be considerate towards others who may overhear. Offensive may be funny, but actually offending people is not.

Anne (Ro's Sister) after the play said, it was ironic that the cast had used the term "retarded" more often now, than before the play, and that was hardly the desired goal. They said that it didn't make any sense, but it was true. I beg to differ. I believe that everyone in the play may have in fact, become much more sensitive to the issue. I don't believe sensitivity can be judged on what is said in jest, in private company. I know that as much as I may have joked about it at the time, if I ever heard anyone being derogatory or mean-spirited speaking of, or to, a mentally challanged person... it would be an entirely different story. I'd like to believe it may have had a similar effect on others. I believe that you show true character when given the opportunity to stand up for someone other than yourself... not when making a joke. A joke is just that. Not to be taken seriously, and is more often than not - an occasion when you are laughing at the ignorant people who truely think the way that you are mocking, and not the actual subject of the joke.

What do you think?

"That Chick Sounded Hot."

A quote by my at work neighbor, Tim, right after getting off the phone with a customer. The thing is... Every guy knows what's he's talking about. And probably even said it outloud at least at one point. But it made me laugh and therefore gets the Headline spot of today's post.

I'm going to use a moment to introduce you all to Tim. Well, not exactly, because the jerk just this moment left me to go to lunch. So the interview I was thinking about doing is now not possible. But I can still fill you in on who Tim is. My relationship with Tim is one of those great work relationships, where even though I would say that I "know" Tim, I don't know hardly any factual information about him. I know he has a girlfriend, don't know her name. I know he went to college and is currently looking for a job in law enforcement, but don't know what school he went to or even what town he currently lives in. And as far as "facts," that's about all I know. But Tim and I get along great, and most of this greatness is based upon a shared love for online flash games. AddictingGames.com, Miniclip.com, or eBaumsWorld for a few.

Some of our favorites were Crypt Raider (100 levels), Acno's Energizer and Aqua's Energizer. There are all, in essence, the same game with just different puzzles and we beat all 3. Pac Man was a biggie for a while from eBaums - I hold the high score of 80,680 (9/17/04). Tim played more Jumper (eBaums), and I really suck at that one. This was all before we went to the main building not that long ago. And apparently in my absence, Tim has been a lost soul. He has been doing nothing but playing PingPong (Miniclip) all the time. Its redonkulous. So yeah, that's Tim. And that's all the time I have for this post. Sorry if it sucked, but I'm out of time and gotta go. I'm heading north for the weekend for some "thing" Ro's making me go to, and I have to actually meet the dad tonight as "the boyfriend." That's always intense. Anyways, wish me luck. I'm gone.

Endorsements and Sponsors

I don't drink coffee. I drink tea. Not just any tea mind you... TWININGS of London. Blended by no other than R. Twining & Co in London, England. On the top of each package it says "By appointment to her majesty Queen Elizabeth II..." This is the OFFICAL tea of London, the OFFICAL country of tea. And now I'm thinking, why haven't I endorsed anything yet? I mean, I'm an influential individual within some circles. As small and mostly fictitious as they may be.

So now the question presents itself, on what or whom do I bestow my blessing? Most of the good products are already taken, and the ones that aren't, no one wants.

The Incredibles? Awesome flick. McDonald's is already on that boat however. I've got Elasti-girl's action figure on my monitor right now. Besides, currently The Incredibles is still on Disney's ticket. And everyone knows that there's that one scene in the Lion King. When Simba flops down and the leaves all blow up into the sky. And they spell out "Worship Satan" or "Kill You Parents" or "Vote Bush" or some ridiculous shit like that. And I could never endorse a product associated with that.

So I think I made my decision... Rob's Office Space and Rob French will now, in front of the whole wide internet. Will endorse "John Stewart." I have started watching every episode of The Daily Show as well as buying his book. (one of my favorite parts is the "Color by Number Senate." It has a painting of the first Senate, as well as a 2003 photograph. Then all the faces are empty outlines with a "1" in them. Key at bottom reads "1 = White") I do have Tim to thank for initially showing me that shining beacon of light that is John Stewart via his own site. And now I reach out to all of you. Rob says John Stewart is, "Good Stuff."
The Daily Show

Hello and Welcome to Hell, May I take your order?

They've moved us. Again.
Apparently, since the released our temps, we have room for 4 of the 5 of us in the main building to come back in... Actually... here's the offical email:

Hello Everyone,
Pat wants everyone back in the trailer tomorrow. One person is going to have to stay over in the call center. I will let you decide, please start bringing everything over tonight.
Thanks.

What IS that? One of had to stay inside, all by themselves, so the rest of us could cram back into our inadaquate, smelly, giant fire hazard, petri-dish like double wide? Yay! At least they said thanks.

Aside from getting cool stuff from customers... yesterday we got some old guy's bank deposit, including social security check, for $8000. Apparently he figured that he could just put it in our evelope, addressed to us, and it would find the bank. But anyways, aside from that, some of our customers just have good names. And I keep a list:

Randy Bonecutter

Will Smith

Mallory Trueblood

Michael BATMAN

Michael Jackson

Johnny Goodman

Zelda Langford

Calvin Quattlebaum (Sounds like it should be on Harry Potter)

Mary French (My Grandma's name!)

George Lucas

John Lennon

So there you have it. Anyone else know anyone with a cool name. Or wish your name was cool. Or anything else you can comment about that has to do with names. Or anything totally unrelated to names - that's cool too.

Get US Out!!!

Alright, another Tuesday... another day I want to beat my head against something sharp. Why, you may ask? We got 4000 pieces of mail today. If that doesn't sound like a lot to you, get your head checked. We have to sort the envelopes by State and Type, and count them, and then open them and sort them more specifically, and then count them, and then enroll them. and there's 4 of us. We may get all of them open and sorted today, but that's really a lie.

What's really frustrating, is that we had 4 temporary employees let go yesterday. And "The Powers That Be" have decided that no overtime is allow this week. So, it'd be nice if TPTB would walk over here and see how we are DROWNING in mail. I didn't even go on my morning break today - that's right, ME the Diligant worker. And now we hear that TPTB are going to start checking our numbers and try and start hounding us on how we're working... our responce - "eh..." Its awesome. Of the 4 of us who do all the mail and enrollments in this forsaken company, 3 of us really don't give a shit if we get fired. And I whole-heartedly mean that. Would not care in the slightest. I mean, we get managed as if we were just numbers on a page. As if this was a company of 500 people... not 20. Seriously, it's all f'd up. If you want to know what it's like, just look up the defination for "micromanage" on the internet.

But I'm glad I can always turn to my mail for a smile. If I've ever down, there's always an uplifting message, or a few words of wisdom for me within these little treasures. Like today, I got "The UN is NOT your friend!" Oh, and when I said "makes me smile," I meant "makes me hate mankind." What kind of moron believes that UN wants to start a world religion that is some obscure neo-hippie-love-the-earth b.s. If a world religion was going to be pushed, I guarentee it would be Christianity or Islam. You know something with a following of +2 Billion People as is and spread thoughout the globe. But if the morons didn't buy the "religion" line. The threw in the obligitory "They're gonna take your guns" line. That's sure to get 'em. Did I mention it was a pro-Bush advertisement that this came in? "Which do you want? Kerry's UN or Bush's America!" I guess that makes a little more sense...

I'm off to find something sharp.

The Interview

Alright Ro, State your full name:

Rowela Rhea Quiaoit

Woah, that's a mouthful... or at least a lot of vowels. There's a story behind your name, is there not?

Yes there is. My parents made up my first name. My dad's name is Robert and my mom's name was Teofila. They took the first part of my dad's name, "Ro" and the last part of my mom's name, "la" and combined them with a "we" in the middle. And instead of pronouncing it with a long "E," it's a short E

Right... So your dad's name is Robert, that's pretty sweet. So is mine!

Wow, look at that. We have a connection
Well, it's nice to see you have such a strong name, Robert.

And your two siblings, Kris and Anne... Can you tell us a little bit about them?

Anne is 16 years old. She's a junior in high school. She's involved in the speech team and dance. Ever since joining the speech team she has become incredibly theatre. I like to call her a flamboyantly gay man.
And Kris is 21 years old. He is a junior at Illinois State University, where I go to school as well. As of this year he has become an overachiever. He actually studies for tests now, and he helped me cheat on a test. And I am proud to say that I got a 97% on it.

Is it true he can be a real dick?

Of course. He tried to kill me when we were younger. He told me we were going to play a game called "Astronaut." He put a Jewel bag over my
head and closed it at my throat. He said, "Ok, you're the astronaut!" and ran away.

Yep. That's my boy! Lets see: "Family... check"
Now lets get to know Ro, the person. What are your Hobbies?

Hobbies... well, I love to dance. From 6th grade to senior year of high school I took ballet. My senior year I also took lyrical, jazz, tap and hip-hop. The last two I was horrible at. I miss it now though, the dance classes don't really fit with my class schedule.
This year I also started a recycling program on my floor. And I have gone through many a floormates garbage can for the sake of the environment.

Ahh.. so you're an Eco-Freak.

Of course. The smell of month old rotting garbage couldn't keep me away from the recyclables.

What's your favorite Movie right now?

My favorite movie right now would have to be... The Incredibles. I watched it this weekend and it was AWESOME! I wish I had super powers! I went with my brother Kris, his girlfriend Ashely, my boyfriend, Mandy and Earl.

Your boyfriend, eh? What kinda guy is he?

Well, he has some of the characteristics of an abusive boyfriend. He's controlling, always telling me what to do. He yells at me when I talk to other boys. He hits me too, and then tells me he doesn't mean it... I don't know. He kind of scares me, but I'm scared he might do something if I bring it up. He gets... emotional... He can be really sweet sometimes... but other times... he really scares me. He's taking Taekowndo lessons right now and he's getting very good at it... I'm afraid he might hurt me.

Man, So if he's such a bad person... why are you still with him?

It's like I said, he gets emotional... and with these Taekwondo lessons... I'm afraid of what he's gonna do. He punched me yesterday... it didn't really hurt, but he said he wasn't even hitting me hard.

Well, I may have some good news for you. I'm aware of a fellow blogger, who has been speaking quite highly of you as of late. Not only that, but he's 6'9" and took TaeKwonDo himself. A intellectual gentleman by the name of: Timmy Tapeworm. Were you aware of this?

I have heard about it yes. And I have met the Timmy Tapeworm in question. I am extremely flattered by the whole thing. I think it's very sweet, and I haven't felt that special in a long time. My only concern is.... I have heard... rumors of course... that he has a single strand of foot long nipple hair. I don't like to believe in rumors, and this one sounds particularly freakish, so it can't possibly be true. But, if it were... that's vile.

Alright! Well Rob's Office Space, being a respectable blog, does not condone the spreading of any rumors. So it is important for all of it's readers to know that this is purely speculation. But if found to be true, remember, you heard it here first! And on that note, I think this is a great opportunity to run out of time. I would like to thank my guest, Rowela Quiaoit for joining me...

Thank you for having me. This was a wonderful experience.

I'll see you all tomorrow, same blog time, same blog channel. Goodnight Everybody.

Halloween may be over, but...

That doesn't mean there's not some creepiness going on here at American Water Resources. So we have the really crappy stampers that say:

For Deposit Only

American Water Resources

Acct. #4196694303

And we stamp the back of every check we get before delivering them to the bank. And before any of you get any crazy ideas about how to rip off the company, I typed the account number backwards to protect the company. So no funny business, alright? Anyways, our stampers are getting old and the ink is drying up in them. So I got the idea to get some little bottles of ink and pour them in the top - thinking that it'll rejuvenate the little guys. All they had was red ink, and the stampers were black before, but we figured it wouldn't matter.

Well here's the crazy part... It worked! Well kinda. There were no instructions, mainly 'cause I don't think these stampers are really refillable. And I apparently put too much ink it, 'cause now the stampers are bleeding red all over the place and out the seams. But the Crazy thing is, They are stamping better than ever... Bold, dark, black. Black like death itself. Rene looked up at me, and after shaking her head about the mess I made realized...

Rene: "But wait... That was red ink."
Rob: "Yeah..."
Rene: "So why is it still Black?"
Rob: "We don't ask questions like that, Rene. Questions are the Fruits of the Devil."

So there you have it folks. My stamper is possessed. Its the only logical explanation. The exorcism is scheduled for 2:30 today.

Oh yeah, and don't buy IAM's Brand dog food. Aparently (according to Peta) they torture animals. There was a picture of puppies lying in a row with chunks of thier legs cut out of them. It was a brilliant artistic work. Gotta love our customers.

The Topic for today: Your favorite lesser known website that everyone should visit. I'll go ahead and get Homestar Runner outta the way. My actual vote goes to Kingdom of Loathing. Its an free online role-playing game. All done with stick figures and 80's throwbacks. It mocks most popular RPG's and MMORPG's (and if you don't know what that is, congratulations - you're not an uber-dork like me). You gain health by drinking beer and have to fight things like "Undead Elbow Macaroni."

Later!

"And now for something completely different..."

But before we get to that. Something needs to be addressed before I have to beat this blog like a red-headed stepchild. We need to mind "The Tao of Tim." We are to stay clear of HEAVY topics on this blog. Remember what Tim has taught us: "There's too much anger in the world." When you make posts on a site that you know are going to irritate 90% of the people there - you are doing nothing but provoking a fight. No point is being made, no ground gained - just pissing people off. And that is not allowed in Rob's World. If people want to continue the Presidential Issue further, it must be kept on yesterday's comment section.

OTHERWISE IT WILL BE THE CANCER THAT KILLS MY BLOG!

and I simply will not allow that to happen.

I don't want to discourage posting, even of this sort, so if you want to talk about it please do. But I have the feeling that most of my loyal fans (I love how I use the term loyal fans so freely) are about all Politics'ed out, and I'd like to keep this separate from my normal blogging. Remember the immortal words of Tim: "That girl from the Old Navy commercial will call me back any day now, I'm sure of it." And everyone can rest assured, we will soon be resuming our regular blogging. Starting..... Now.

Work was crazy today, and my blog was acting up. So I apologize for the INCREDIBLY late post. I will try and make sure it doesn't happen again. I will for sure post tomorrow, and it will be something witty and awesome... but for now - I suck and am going to bed.

Goodnight all!


* The words of Tim are in Red.

And after a painful debate...

A decision has been reached.

A lot of good ideas were thrown out there, but when it comes down to it. Lisa seemed to know me best. Gilato every day is beyond tempting... and there are A LOT of super hot Italians. So after much deliberation, I have decided. I'm moving to New Zealand. I don't even think that NZ was a serious suggestion. But here's what I've come to realize - it's Perfect!

1) No one, with the exception of friendly banter from the Aussies, messes with NZ. And not from an intimidation factor, its more like how no one messes with Canada. Its like picking on Michael J. Fox - no one does it.

2) Its an island, and very far away from the everyone else. When the bombs start flying, I think they'll make it.

3) I know someone there. That's right, Antoine I'm talking about you man. Don't be surprised when you see me knock on your door. For those of you who don't know, Big-A was a friend we met in Prague.

4) The Kiwi's invented the Bungee Jump! How awesome is that!

5) No matter where I'm at in the country, the ocean never as far as my commute to work everyday here in the states.

6) They've got some freaky-awesome animals. I mean: Dingoes, Tuataras, Kiwis and the Platypus.

7) New Zealand has the longest place name in the world:
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukaka pikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu. (Space added so it can fit on screen) It translates as "the place where Tamatea, the man with the big knees, who slid, climbed, and swallowed mountains, known as land eater, played his flute to his loved one".

So there you have it folks. I've looked it up on Expedia and it appears a one way ticket will run you about $1,500. The question you have to ask yourself is, can you put a price tag on safety? well... actually, I guess you can... and it appears to be $1,500. So I'll be placing an order within a few weeks. Let me know how many tickets I need to get. You are all, of course, invited. See ya on the flip side!

Now lets not lose focus...

Welcome to Rob's Blog. Welcome to Rob's World. Here I am king, master, and god. I am the preacher and you are all my people. Rob's universe is where we talk about animated boobs, superpowers, and anything else that is my choosing. It is not the place for any "serious" conversation of any sort. That's what the real world is for... this world is for me.

Now having said that: Gosh Damn! I'll be glad when this whole mess is over... I would like you all to notice that if I wanted to, I could have elaborated on what I meant by "mess" and by "over." But I choose not too. But "I" could... because its my universe and I am therefore exempt from all rules. It's hard to not blog about the election with it being such a huge thing right now. I mean, I voted and I'm sure all of my loyal fans have already made up their minds one way or the other and will definitely make their ways to the polls today. So whatever you all decide, just go vote. In the words of Stan on Southpark last week:

I learned that I'd better get used to having to pick between a douche and a turd sandwich because it's usually the choice I'll have.

So there you have it folks. Go Vote!
Now lets see... ponderance of the day:
Sea Monkeys: (I've never had my own but from my understanding they are) Dehydrated life form that is neither a monkey nor really even lives in the sea... Discuss.

One of these things do not belong here...

Can you pick out which item we did NOT receive in the mail last week:

1) TERRIBLE WARNING FROM HEAVEN!! "God will send mankind a Great punishment" "You shall be given the sword America" "Volcanoes will pop up in North America and in Europe. Earthquakes will send Japanese islands to the bottom of the sea." "Remain in doors! Go outside and you will die! On January 31, 1999 a comet will strike the earth and 3/4 of mankind will die."

2) Porn! Placed within an envelope marked "A Christmas Blessing for you Inside." An ad for "10 Free Good Girls Gone Bad Videos!" 5 pages... Full color... Full nudity!

3) Sick of Democrats and Republicans? "Support the Green Party, Donate Today!" Complete profiles of Pat LaMarche & David Cobb (respective Pres. and V.Pres Candidates). And I will have you know... PAT IS A WOMAN!!! HA!

4) More than 10,000 empty returned envelopes from PA

Alright, so other than all that, not a lot is going on at good ol' American Water Resources. We had a Pumpkin Carving Contest on Friday. Yours truly won Scariest (hopefully pictures coming soon... if I can figure out how). And I used my $25 Gift Card for Barnes & Noble to buy a Tae Kwon Do book and John Stewart's "America: The Book." Both I believe are good investments.

Alright kiddies, my last little bit here will be my VERY IMPORTANT question for you. Now the Superpowers question didn't go over nearly as well as I'd hoped... I mean, you all seemed so much more intense on Ariel's Boobs than your own superpowers (and you even had all weekend... shesh.) But your question:

What country should I move to if Bush wins this election? Call it a preemptive draft dodge, or me dodging the nukes that will make their way to my homeland in the potential near future. But I need somewhere to go, and I'm not sure where - So I'm going to take suggestions from the audience and let you all decide. It's kinda like a reality TV Show... but a reality Blog Show instead. So there you have it folks - my Monday post. Enjoy!