Customer Support

CS: Hello Mother Nature, Co. - Bringing you the best in Natural Events and premier life support systems. How may we assist you today?

Me: Yeah, I have a bit of a complaint. I've recently received a product of yours that I didn't order. I would like to have it returned.

CS: I'm sorry to hear that sir, which one of our products would that have been?

Me: Snow. I woke up yesterday and there was snow all over my car and my car door was even frozen shut. Not only was it not ordered, you might want to have a word with your advertising department, I never even saw it coming. Just a few days ago I was running around without as much as a jacket on.

CS: Of course sir, I can see how that was problematic and I apologize for the inconvenience. Let me see what we can do for you... Well Mr. French, it appears that most of the snow has since disappeared anyways, we can go ahead and clean up the rest of that if you'd like.

Me: Well, yeah, that'd be great... I'd like to return the ice on the parking lots and such as well. Actually, what would be REALLY nice is if I could just return the whole package.

CS: The Entire Package Sir???

Me: Yeah, Winter as a whole. You can really just write it off this year.

CS: Umm.... hold on one moment, I'm going to have to speak with my manager... ... ... Alright Mr. French, I'm afraid we can't take back the whole season, there's too much that depends on the cycle of the seasons. But what we can do is offer a full refund.

Me: A refund? For what?? I didn't pay for anything, I told you I didn't even order it in the first place!!!

CS: Didn't even pay fo.... just a moment... yes. It says here in our records that you are deliquent on the last several seasons payments. Apparently you signed up for our services back in '87.

Me: What in the Hell are you talking about???

CS: Sir I'm going to have to ask you to watch your language. Our records indicate that you requested the entire winter package with snow... and yes... even paid extra for the "White Christmas." And our services automatically renew every year unless we specifically hear otherwise from you.

Me: This is Fu... Freaking ridiculous! You can't automatically renew and expect back pay from a 6 year old's white christmas wishes!

CS: Sir, we can and we do. Your current bill is $587.71.

Me: How do you figure!!??!?!

CS: *sigh* Winter Package is $19.99 with an extra $5.99 for the White Christmas's.... figure in tax... that's 502.71 then add $85 in late charges.

Me: This is Bullshit! I demand to speak to your supervisor!

CS: Mr. French, you're going to have to calm yourself. Our boss is a very busy man...

Me: I don't want to hear it. Transfer me over to him. What's his name?

CS: God.

Me: Good! You tell this Mr. God that Robert French is pissed and wants to have some words with him.

CS: It's just "God" sir.

Me: Whatever. Transfer me over now. The shit is about to hit the fan!

CS: You have no idea sir. Transferring now...