As long as the internet has been available, there has been 12 and 13 year old boys pretending to be l33t Ha(k3rZ. And as long as there have been those idiots running lose, there have been flamewars and a type of warfare that has yet to be addressed and documented. A new kind of battle for a new generation. And this is my attempt to give you the skills you'll need to fight in a war such as this. I am going to prepare you to the best of my abilities for what lies ahead. Remember, we go to war with the army we have, not the army we want. So you best prepare for the worst...
I. A wise man recognizes that war is a last resort, and picks his battles.
If you see a potential battle brewing, determine if its one that you want to really become a part of. Sometimes its far better, for not only your own personal entertainment, but self image (as that really is the only thing at stake in a "flame war") to simply sit on the sidelines and watch the war play out before you. You can still heckle and throw in your own shots at the target of your choice, but you must walk that fine line of heckling and getting involved. Note Lisa's comment in the last post - "You're a jackass" Simple. Sweet. And non-commital.
II. Identify the actual battle, and identify the front.
Your battlefield is the Newsgroup, Forum, or Blog where the conversation is taking place. As mentioned before, no real ground is being gained in the cyber world. Simply put, if you find yourself getting into an actual "arguement" on the internet... step away from the computer. Go outside, get some fresh air, and go talk to real people. No arguement will ever be "won" online. Now intelligent discussions are possible, but those kinds of talks will have to be entered into with that thought in mind. But for the most part, this is not the case. Its important to correctly identify the conflict. If someone is making an accusation based on humor and offensiveness - it is impossible to beat that person with fact. For example, if I make the claim that we don't even count Women's Votes in elections, you can't win by proving that we do. Because I was in no way ACTUALLY arguing that fact. I was making, what they refer to in some circles, a joke. So you must fight fire with fire, so to speak. Saying that I have dog breath is in fact a better agruement than proving that women really can vote.
III. Know the lay of the land.
Since online arugements are for entertainment purposes only, make sure they're as entertaining as possible. Some people (Scott and I) can often post jokes that only we find entertaining, and that's ok because we often get A LOT of entertainment out of it. But for the most part, make it enjoyable for everyone involved. Your opponent and sideline viewers alike. After all, if not, what's the point?
IV. Some final notes...
Timing is a crucial element. Ro is pretty good at this. She's all sweet and innocent 90% of the time... and then out of no where she'll lash out. And when she does, it's hilarious. She got my dad a mean birthday card for his 49th birthday and it was priceless. Also, sharp oneliners like this are always great:
{Ro to Scott reguarding cheating on daily quotes}
I thought it was great because you were just so confident that no one would know. And I commend you for that. This world needs more confident (blatantly arrogant) individuals.Lastly, don't invest any more into an war than you'll get out of it. Don't waste your resources and time. And I could go on a bit more, but this has dragged on long enough...
So there you go young grasshopper, grow and be prosperous. Wage war. Be victorious. As vicious as Scott may behind the saftey of his computer, he's a sissy in real life... and at Super Smash Brothers.
Quote for today:
General: hhHHMMMMMmmmmm.... HmmmmMMMM... Chamberlain! I challenge!
Chamberlain: HMMMmmmmmMMM.... Trial by Stone.
General: Trial by Stone!!!
4 comments:
DARK CRYSTAL!!!!!!! Yes! I finally know one of the quotes! And I only remember it because of that weird HHhmmmhhmmmmm-ing throaty noise that the scary puppet made. Of the entire movie that's the only part that I remember... couldn't tell you what else happened, but I'd remember that noise anywhere. HA! I WIN!
~Ro
A sissy? You're talking about the victor of a fairly nasty Ho Ho Show Mosh Pit Melee. I'd thatch thine trap if I were you. Karate or no karate. Apparently my two months of Tung Su Do paid off handsomely. Although reports from my friends include the term "wailing on them" and "total ass kicker" ok so I added total ass kicker. But that sounds so nice.
I would like to re-iterate that thoughout the "flame war" I stated that I wasn't actually serious. Although I do enjoy angering feminists. I mean, it takes so little. And then you get a well crafted point by point argument that they obviously spent some time on. All from my shenanigans. How fun.
But seriously, I don't want people to think I'm actually sexist. I mean, no more than it entertains me to be so. Women are like Jell-O; there's always room for them. Hopefully that is the extent of the comparison.
As far as your Super Smash Brothers Challenge, I gladly accept. And promise not to gloat too much after I win.
- Scott
P.S. That was blatantly arrogant wasn't it...Well maybe in another man, for me it's just telling it like it is.
Tung Su Do?? Oh wait, now I remember... but where I come from we call it Tung Sissy Do. Why don't you just get over yourself and admit what it really is: Two months of Glorified Pilates.
And I'd like to point out, that I didn't want to mislead people about my views either. I was serious. Your votes don't count. And any "proof" you can find to the otherwise was put out by men to help mislead you into thinking it mattered.
But as far as you're concerned Scott, I want to know when you get back, and it's on.
I'm back right now cracka. Although I'm leaving for that ski trip on the 19th and I get back the 22nd. Whenever's good for you. Get in your sitting down time now, because I'm going to kick your ass so bad you won't want to sit on it for a long time. (In other news, I continue to prove Breyn's point)
And yeah, I know they know you were joking. But they know you; I'm just some incredibly good looking guy that posts offensive material. It's hard to get tone out of the internet, if I were saying these things you'd know exactly what I mean. But I think you kids get it, you seem pretty on the ball. - Scott
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