Nerds, Hamsters, Resolutions and Pizza!

Lets see... a couple of things to address.
For one, Scotty, lets get one thing clear. There will be no more nerdgasims or dorkbursts on this site. And just so everyone else knows, yesterday I spent working out, drinking beer, killing my own dinner and watching Sports Center. I did nothing "nerdy" like sit around and play online video games all day. The only time I was ever even in contact with nerds was when I went to the library to beat a few up after dinner. I have a girlfriend.

Ok, now that my ego's been a bit re-enforced, on to other issues. Other issues like Angry Hamsters and Good Stress Relief. Trevor brought this back to my attention, after not having seen it in years... and it's awesome. Check out "THE BOSS" (warning, it take a few moments to load, and the screen just pulses for a while.) Ahhhh... Good stuff.

And finally, New Years Resolutions. For me, it's gonna be to find new ways to avoid doing mail at work. Today I kidnapped the dry-erase board that was previously used as a calender, but has been blank for the last 3 or so weeks. I dub'd it "Rob's Board" and put all sortsa good, work related info up there. We'll see how long this lasts - I bet it gets taken away from me by the powers that be, soon enough.

Trivia: Trevor, you can't answer this - we just discussed it the other day, I KNOW you know it... What movie personality sported a hockey mask and often wielded a golf club?

Anyways--Peace, Love and all that Jazz I'm out of here.


*************

UPDATE: I MISSED A CHRISTMAS FOAMY!!! Warning, don't click if you are offended by the F-Word. I think its awesome that there are some words that only need to be refered to by the first letter, and everyone knows what they're talking about. I wish one day to be refered to only as "Rob" and everyone from New York to California would know EXACTLY which Rob was being refered to... me. That's my dream.

2004's Suck List

Alright I know this isn't VH1, but I wanted to do my own:

"List of Things That Suck 2004"

1. It appears I'm closing out the new year here at American Water Resources. I do want to make one correction. Before I had said that this place doesn't pay me enough to care about anything... that's only partly true. Do I want to make much more money? Of course, but what it really boils down to is, they don't respect their employees enough for me to care. But nonetheless, here I am, with a job but not a career. And without health insurance... *sigh*

2. Tsunamis. This list is in no particular order... actually, I'm gonna stop numbering it now. But Tsunamis suck hardcore. As of this post the death toll is 44,000 and I read that there's a whole town left unaccounted for that may be gone... another 25,000 there alone.

Paris Hilton. I hate her. I loved the South Park episode that made fun of her (entitled: "Stupid Dirty Whore.") What does she have going for her: everything. What talent or skill does she have? None to speak of. What has she ever contributed to society? She was a poster girl for the "Vote or Die" Campaign... so that's almost something. Wait, no. She never even REGISTERED to vote. When asked if she kept in touch with the family from the simple life, she rolled her eyes and said, "Please, I had to change my cell number."

War. War sucks hella bad. 1,325 American Soliders. Countless Iraqis. Most people agree the war was a mistake now, but that's neither here nor there. All I can do now is hope for the best from here on out. Stupid war.

He whom must not be named. 57 (plus) million American's know what I'm talking about. And in conjunction with that, the Democratic Party. For being able to screw up what should have been a blow out election... Seriously, "ANYONE" should have been able to win that election... anyone who is obviously not Kerry.

The Swan, Nick and Jessica, William Hung, Gas Prices, and Candy Corn.

Alright I think that about sums it all up. You all wanted earlier posts, I will try to comply. Hope you're happy. And congrats on the Friday 13th Trivia. It was a trick question, and I'm glad it was a random who fell for it. Although, I'm also glad I had another random hit up the website, so if you're still out there, don't take that the wrong way. Let's see, we haven't done a quote in a while... let's go back to a classic:

"My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with this girl who saw (him) pass out at 31 flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious."

My Post-Christmas Post

Alright, I hope you all enjoyed the story of Tim. And if you would like to hear more stories, all you need do is ask. After all, I am here to please. I also hope you all had a very merry Christmas and got lots of awesome presents. So that's all I really want for today. I want to hear what you all got for christmas (at least one thing.) I know Rene didn't get what she was really hoping for... but she made out pretty well. The Ryder boys were happy, from my understanding. And I KNOW Co-Worker Tim did well for himself - but I will let everyone explain their own. But on to more important things... ME!

My biggest gift this year was a heavy kicking bag, so now I can practice at home and hopefully not hurt myself quite so much. And I got a leather case for my weapons, so I can throw out the towel that I keep them wrapped in while I carry them around. Let's see... I got new, clean clothes so I can throw away the dirty ones, a rice steamer so my girlfriend's family will accept me, and cash. I also got some DVD's (Return of the King, Spiderman II, and Harry Potter). And I got EQII (Scott knows what I'm talking about.) All in all, I made out like a bandit.

So I see this as a primo opportunity for some of you who NEVER post to let us know either a) what you got or b) some short Christmas anecdote. For example at the table this year, we heard my Great Aunt and this other guy, Tom, discuss their entire family history. She ended up knowing his dad, and both family saided over on the Pinta or something like that. Anyways, after it was all over, and Tom got up. My Great Aunt leaned over to my other aunt and was like, "So, who is that nice man?" Apparently after (litterally) 20 minutes of family history, they never got to present day and she didn't know why he was even there. It was hilarious in a sad sorta way.

So, that about sums it up for me. We need a good quote or something...
Oh! How about some Friday the 13th trivia? What was the killer's name (first and last) and location of the killings in the first and then the second movies?

Away in a manger... no... wait.

Away in a pick-up, no crib for a bed.
The little boy Timex, laid down his big head.
His Father had traded, him in for a bird.
How can this sad story, become more absurd...

And now, the dramatic conclusion of:

The Story of Tim

Dickies and Diane Bundy went home that night with their new Tweety Bird and placed him in Timex's old crib. Diane was quite fond of her new baby, this child didn't scream, nor did he mess himself. And considering Diane had to clean up Dickies all the time, she wasn't a big fan of having to clean a baby as well. So as far as we need to be concerned, the story of Dickies and Diane is over, they lived happily ever after... but Timex’s is far from it.

Tim was now raised by John Beiser, the Hook-handed Carnie Folk. Tim never had a real solid mother figure in his life... I mean, there were lots of women in John's life, and therefore quite a few women in and out of Tim's life as well. Most of them were fellow carnies and if you put them all together you were lucky to get a full set of teeth. John had taught Tim to use a video camera by the age of 6 so that he could help make the "mommy and daddy" videos. But Tim never complained, the most of the women treated him pretty well. Note this is in contrast to the beatings with the sock of Jollyranchers. He often earned this whenever he did anything wrong, did anything better than John could do it, or it was Tuesday night.

When Tim was 9 years old, something happened that would help shape the rest of his life. John had accidentally left Tim in a dumpster as the carnival was packing up and left with out little Tim. Now this wasn’t the life changing event, as a matter a of fact, this could be considered a common occurrence. No, it was when the police found Tim, it was the day of the Community Outreach Program (C.O.P.) Seeing that Tim’s dad was yet to be located the officers figured it would be alright to take the special boy to the Festivities. It was there they gave Timmy the greatest gift of all. They made him an honorary police officer. They pinned the badge to his shirt and put a hat on his head. They ended up not having any hats that would fit, so they affixed a chinstrap to one of the hats to make it stay atop Tim’s Ginormous head. Tim played basketball with the other officers, played with K-9 Unit, Played Cops n’ Robbers (he was the cop) and all sorts of good things. To top the night off he got to ride in a police car, got his picture taken as well as his finger prints and was able to stay all night in a jail cell. What our poor hero had somehow missed was that he was in fact never REALLY a cop. And the other officers weren’t “playing games” as much as he was. You see, after the basketball game, Tim decided to play cops n’ robbers. And this is where things went horribly wrong… He managed to get the gun out of an officer’s holster and in the end… had killed the Police Dog and left 5 people injured. It was a black day in the little community, but still one of the happiest in Tim’s life.

Now Tim was sent to a place where there were other children like him, and he spent the next 12 years of his life there. He made a lot of friends and grew quite fond of Mac & Cheese. He never saw his real father, or Carnie-Dad again, but lets face it, he never knew what was going on around him anyways. Which brings us to current day. Timmy is doing quite well with himself, although he never has given up his dream of being a police officer. He is currently in a “Re-Integration Program” and working at American Water. He is pretty well received amongst his co-workers, and is happy. Happiness in an “Ignorance is Bliss” Doesn’t realize that we all laugh at him and his huge noggin’ sort of Happiness, but happiness nonetheless.

The End.
Merry Christmas.

Alright, Some Super Detective work on my part came up with these photographs... If you don't know what this is about, read the previous post.

Tim A. Beiser

After yesterday's post, my co-worker Tim approached me with his "insight." More or less, his opinion was "Your post sucked for today." When I say more or less, I mean that's exactly it. Am I mad? Am I angry that this person can try and pass off so much judgment when he has no idea what its like trying to be interesting every day? No, a lesser man would be mad. Not I. I decided to get to the root of the problem. No, the root of the problem is not my posting ability, but instead young Timothy's own mental dysfunctions that prohibit his appreciation of my blog. And what I found out, is to under stand, you have to go all the way back to the beginning...

The Story of Tim

You've heard stories of children being lost at young ages and being raised by wolves... this is not one of those. It was a clear night in Eatontown, NJ where Richard and Diane Bundy were enjoying themselves at the seasonal festival. They had ridden all the rides and eaten their fill of saltwater taffy and funnel cakes, and were now pursuing the fun and games section of the carnival. Now Diane had her eyes on the oversized Tweety Bird that could be won by tossing the rings over the bottles. Now what you may not have known about this story is that both people suffered, separately, from rare, different, genetic, mental disorders. Richard, or "Dickies" as his friends called him (from the brand of overalls he always wore) couldn't quiet grasp the concept and went through $48 throwing the rings at the bottles (breaking 3) and not understanding why the nice man with the hook arm wouldn't give him the Tweety Bird. This saddened Diane, and she fell to the ground crying. But then Dickies got an idea. He decided to barter with the carnie. It was the Ring Toss Pirate's understanding that Dickies was going to give him a Timex Watch in exchange for the Bird. And since Tweety was made by sweat shop children and cost him very little, he figured a watch would fetch a better price than the stuffed animal and agreed to the conditions. Dickies ran back to his car and fetched Timex to trade. To the great surprise of the carnie, "Timex" was not a watch at all... but the sad, mentally challenged couples child. Apparently they had named this poor, ill-fated child (with an unusually large head) "Timex" after the father's watch. The Carnie, seeing a rare opportunity, agreed to thier terms nonetheless and accepted Timex as one of his own (if by one of his own, you mean clothed in a potato sack, beaten regularly with a sock full of jollyranchers, and made to sleep in the man's rusty pickup truck.) The man did however realize the ridiculousness of the child's name, and shorten it... to Tim. And that's this man, John Beiser, became Timex's new loving father. And this is where Tim spent the majority of his childhood, until the age of 14 when...

To Be Continued...

So there you go, tune in tomorrow for more of "The Story of Tim"

By the way, the correct answer was Earth Angel... way to go PJ. And welcome to my website! What you didn't know was the rules of the game, so I'll inform you now. Since you won the trivia, it's your turn to post a new 80's movie/tv trivia question. The only rules are, googling is not allowed. Goodnight all!



P.S. Did I know I went too far? Yes. Of course I did. But the bastard said my post sucked.

Woah, Big News...

Are you down with the HP??

Alright, got that off my chest... I know most of you are going to be excited about that. And those of you who aren't - get a clue. I mean, seriously.

Works been a pain in the ass. We're understaffed and a bit behind. But here's the deal... I don't care. Rene and Melinda skip thier breaks when we get behind. I yell at them for it. The mail--it never ends. Everyday we get more, so why stress about it. And there's only two of us doing it now, of course we're going to be behind. The past few days I actually have been busy. Today I didn't slack one bit, I've been sitting at my desk, listening to an audio book and sorting mail. If the powers that be care enough about us being caught up - they might get us some help. If not? They don't pay me enough to care.

Now, about that Trivia... The underwear was purple. Breyn said Red, and no one bothered to question her. And now with Scott being on his ski trip... and Tim and Josh on thier way back from Boston, there goes half of my loyal audience. So I'm going to go back with some more Back to the Future Trivia. What song was Marty Playing at the end when he begins to fade away??

Alright, This is Rob French, signing off for the day... Everyone remember: Eat Carbs!

Alright, you all may not believe this... but my scanner died. Sooo this may put a damper on my picture selection. Luckily I had one picture emailed to me that was taken at a friend's wedding. So I hope this satisfies for the time being... if not, just complain and I'll see what I can do.

And fine, I'll try and refrain from putting up my injuries on the website... unless it's a GOOD one. I was just trying to help tie you all into every aspect of my life. And Tim, you already know what Ro looks like. Is this like the time you asked for a lock of her hair? I have to question your motives.

"Looks like somebody has a case of the Mondays..."

Alright, so here I am. At work. Again. Do you know who is not? Kim or Jen or Melinda. So that sucks. Ok, time for some audience participation. I'm gonna put up a picture for you guys, so what would you like to see pictures of?? I'll post them tonight after I get home (9ish). I could put up pictures from work (my cubical and the tree), of some of my co-workers, of Ro, or of anything else. I'm going to leave it up to you all. Whatever gets the most votes, that's what I'll do. I'm all for making this as interactive as possible. I keep up the triva and quotes 'cause you guys seem to like it, I post everyday 'cause either Breyn, Tim, Trevor or Ro will MAKE SURE to remind me that I hadn't yet (for today's reminder, you can all thank Tim). I'll even do more interview type posts if it's what you want. So for today, I want to know what you'd like to see pictures of. And then we'll take it from there.

For now I've been up to my usual mischief, I'll release details about that as the story unfolds. And I also got my orange belt on Saturday. That puts me one step closer to "Ninja Assassian." My day will come, oh yes, it will come.

And the foot is doing much better now. the swelling is going away (as is the pain) and the bruise is fading. It's no longer Black and Deep Purple... think more Yellowish and Gray. So it's either healing or decomposing - either way, it looks a bit better.

And the trivia for the day!
What brand and color of underwear is Marty wearing in Back to the Future?

The Art of Cyber War

As long as the internet has been available, there has been 12 and 13 year old boys pretending to be l33t Ha(k3rZ. And as long as there have been those idiots running lose, there have been flamewars and a type of warfare that has yet to be addressed and documented. A new kind of battle for a new generation. And this is my attempt to give you the skills you'll need to fight in a war such as this. I am going to prepare you to the best of my abilities for what lies ahead. Remember, we go to war with the army we have, not the army we want. So you best prepare for the worst...

I. A wise man recognizes that war is a last resort, and picks his battles.

If you see a potential battle brewing, determine if its one that you want to really become a part of. Sometimes its far better, for not only your own personal entertainment, but self image (as that really is the only thing at stake in a "flame war") to simply sit on the sidelines and watch the war play out before you. You can still heckle and throw in your own shots at the target of your choice, but you must walk that fine line of heckling and getting involved. Note Lisa's comment in the last post - "You're a jackass" Simple. Sweet. And non-commital.

II. Identify the actual battle, and identify the front.

Your battlefield is the Newsgroup, Forum, or Blog where the conversation is taking place. As mentioned before, no real ground is being gained in the cyber world. Simply put, if you find yourself getting into an actual "arguement" on the internet... step away from the computer. Go outside, get some fresh air, and go talk to real people. No arguement will ever be "won" online. Now intelligent discussions are possible, but those kinds of talks will have to be entered into with that thought in mind. But for the most part, this is not the case. Its important to correctly identify the conflict. If someone is making an accusation based on humor and offensiveness - it is impossible to beat that person with fact. For example, if I make the claim that we don't even count Women's Votes in elections, you can't win by proving that we do. Because I was in no way ACTUALLY arguing that fact. I was making, what they refer to in some circles, a joke. So you must fight fire with fire, so to speak. Saying that I have dog breath is in fact a better agruement than proving that women really can vote.

III. Know the lay of the land.

Since online arugements are for entertainment purposes only, make sure they're as entertaining as possible. Some people (Scott and I) can often post jokes that only we find entertaining, and that's ok because we often get A LOT of entertainment out of it. But for the most part, make it enjoyable for everyone involved. Your opponent and sideline viewers alike. After all, if not, what's the point?

IV. Some final notes...

Timing is a crucial element. Ro is pretty good at this. She's all sweet and innocent 90% of the time... and then out of no where she'll lash out. And when she does, it's hilarious. She got my dad a mean birthday card for his 49th birthday and it was priceless. Also, sharp oneliners like this are always great:

{Ro to Scott reguarding cheating on daily quotes}
I thought it was great because you were just so confident that no one would know. And I commend you for that. This world needs more confident (blatantly arrogant) individuals.

Lastly, don't invest any more into an war than you'll get out of it. Don't waste your resources and time. And I could go on a bit more, but this has dragged on long enough...

So there you go young grasshopper, grow and be prosperous. Wage war. Be victorious. As vicious as Scott may behind the saftey of his computer, he's a sissy in real life... and at Super Smash Brothers.

Quote for today:
General: hhHHMMMMMmmmmm.... HmmmmMMMM... Chamberlain! I challenge!
Chamberlain: HMMMmmmmmMMM.... Trial by Stone.
General: Trial by Stone!!!

Feminism is funny. This Picture.... not so much.

"This is fairly common among leg injuries. You have some serious soft tissue damage in your lower leg and have not only damaged the muscle tissues, which caused the prolonged spazisms, but ruptured the blood vessels. The reason for the swelling and bruising in the foot is simply gravity at work. The blood is draining down your fibula and pooling at your heel." - The ER Doctor

Hey, random girl said she wanted to see pictures... ask and ye shall recieve.

Isn't it sad how girls really believe that they can be as good as men? I mean, most of them still believe that we actually COUNT thier votes. Silly girls, Rights are for men.

Am I a product of my environment or what??

So at work I listen to a CD of like 8 albums of mp3s... all 110% perfectly legal of course. (I would never steal music from the record industry, when I buy CDs I normally buy two copies, one for me and one to throw away and make up for these "Cyber Pirates.") I maintain a website from work (as you all well know). And I have AOL instant messenger (This recently got difficult when the IT people blocked AIM and I had to backdoor it... stupid IT people.) I even have a an NES Emulator and 1000 Nintendo Games on my computer (although I haven't had a chance to play anything but Punchout yet and haven't even done that for a few days). So I've got to say I'm proud of my digitalnessknowhow.

But now I believe its time to use my powers for the good of all. And I'm gonna extend this offer to Tim and Scott (yes Tim, this is what I mentioned to you before.) The way I figure it these blogs are the perfect opportunity for us to hone our skills. Then once we've passed every blogbased trial and tribulation that our own circles can throw at us we should... JOIN POWERS! Think about it, separate we are strong, entertaining and offensive. But we could be so much more! With our powers combined, Captain Planet wouldn't even want to mess with this. We could all co-maintain a website. We will discuss everything from Worldly News, Local Observations, Sports, Women, Midgets and Shinagains. We will become respected, influential, and revered. People everywhere will idly wait by their computers for the next gem of a post we will send their way. And after that, we'll get our own columns in the newspapers, and then our OWN news station, and then... They will make us each president of our own planets!!! Well, Tim and I will get planets... Scott will probably just get a moon or something. (By the way, if anyone fails to see the logic behind all of this, obviously hasn't read "Ender's Game" in which case you REALLY should. It's a quality book - summary here. And it's due out in 2006 on the big screen.)

Anyways, enough of that, I don't want to give away too much of my plans. Here's my little bit of daily insight... Apparently the US was testing it's famous Missile Defense Shield and things didn't go quite as well as hoped. Here's the weird thing though: it's not the fact that we failed to stop a dud missle that we launched from a location that we knew, at a time and to a target that we set... no, none of that really bothered me. It was the line I read that the "test had been put off several times because of bad weather." Does that strike anyone else as odd? I mean, a missile defense system that relies on optimal weather conditions? Anyways, just an observation... here's the whole story.

Alright and the quote for today. Not an 80's movie but I deemed it appropriate nonetheless... besides, it's not like you're not getting all of these anyways. I'll give you a hint: it's still about 10 years old.

Dade?
Yeah, ma?
What are you doing?
I'm taking over a TV network.
Finish up, honey, and get to sleep.

Red and green are out! Black and blue are in!!!

Alright, lets make one thing clear... I am NOT accident prone. It's this simple: My two favorite activities are Rock Climbing and Taekwondo. One, you are on jagged rocks X feet off the ground and trying to see how long you can hang on before you enivitably fall off. And the other, the idea is to kick each other... A lot of kicking each other. So just because I am injured every now and then, does not mean I am accident prone. It's just that if there are "accidents" in either of my two hobbies, they tend to be on the more painful side of the "accident" scale.

So for those of you who don't know it, I've hurt myself again in Taekwondo. Me and Alfredo (a mexican guy with like 50 pounds and 2 belt ranks) were sparring and knocked shins (by knocked I mean we were trying to put eachother on respective asses with a single kick to the midsection... but our shins connected halfway. Anyways long story short, I've had a few days of muscle spazims, my foot is turning black and it hurts like hell (although I think it's getting better). Is it all worth it? Hell yeah it is. Do you think I keep this awesome figure by sitting around playing video games all day??? Not only that, but things are going quite well in Taekwon do. I've been in it for 2-3 months so far, and I'm testing for my Orange Belt on Saturday (White, Yellow, Orange, Green, Purple, Blue, Brown, Red, Black). I mean I get to break boards with my hands and feet, and use a blade! So yeah, don't mess with me. I'll end you.

Sorry for the late post, I just wasn't at my desk at all today - in the new mail room you know....
Here's a quote for you... Something a little different:

"Howdy Ho, Ranger Joe!"

And what I want to know from all of you: I want to hear some recremendations on some totally awesome, BAD movies... you know what I'm talking about, and no MST3K allowed - I want some stand alone flicks (and if you don't know what MST3K is... you probably wouldn't get it anyways). Evil Dead/Army of Darkness is a given, I want to hear some new ones. My personal recremendation is Dead Alive, Peter Jackson's "Goriest Movie of All Time!" And the thing that sparked all of this is something that Trevor pointed out to me (you know that semi-old commercial about the guy that is surfing online until he reached The End of the Internet... that's Trevor...) Anyways, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. You should bring that one up at seminary, Josh. The credits alone feature: Jesus Christ, Female Lead Athest, Worshiper, The Screaming Lesbian, The Cop, Lesbian Vampire, Father Avellino, Blind Jimmy Leper, The Transvestite... Need I go on? I'm gonna rent it, that's for damn sure.

Making Christmas Outta Nothing At All...

So we decorated the tree today... I folded some orogami boxes and stuck 'em with paperclips to make some extremely cheap Christmas Ordaments, and then I went around and collected all of the free foam crap that we get and turned them into ordaments as well. If anyone has ever worked in an office/cubical environment, you might know what I mean by foam crap. They're just cheap little gifts branded with the company name that you recieve every couple months and it's written off as employee appreciation. So now we have folded paper boxes, foam houses, waterdrops, lightbulbs and fire hydrants, a slinky, and Kim (good ol' Kimmy) is working on a paper chain made out of all of our monthly newsleters. Our tree is getting awesome. Also as a decoration side note, I'm decorating my cube with little paper snowflakes, like you make in second grade with folded paper.

My Second Christmas item of note, is a little bit of career advise for all you out there. If you want to strike it rich, make a chirstmas CD. It doesn't matter if you can sing or have any trace of musical talent, if it's Christmas, it sells. There is some really, REALLY, bad Christmas music out there... some of my favorite examples are:

Blue Christmas by the king himself, Elvis
Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney
Anything by Macy Gray
Feliz Navidad... I might recieve some flak for that one, but I hate that song.

Anyways, just trying to spread that Christmas Cheer to all, but enough of that crap. Here's your quote:

Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?

Christmas Tree's and Third Nipples

Alright, in case anyone forgot, Christmas is rapidly approaching. And to help solitify this fact we set up our Tree at work. Now I'm not sure if it's just because my family is way behind in Artificial Christmas Tree Technology... but just in case I'm not the only one, you're not gonna belive this. Setting up the tree at the French household involves dragging down a large box and the unpacking all the individual limbs into piles on the floor. Then, through a highly scientific process of guessing at random, figuring out which one is the biggest and therefore the base. Opening up all the branches, sticking them in the tree and then the whole process of testing the strands of lights, swaping lights out for a half hour trying to figure out why strands didn't work, everyone getting frustrated and eventually coughing out the $10 to buy all new strands at Walmart. Need I go on? ANYWAYS! This Christmas tree at work is amazing. it comes in 4 pieces: Stand, bottom, middle and top. The lights are already on and attached to the limbs. The limbs are all on hinges so when you set it up they all fall into place. You plug in 4 plugs (one for each of the 3 sections and one for the outlet.) And on top of all that it frickin' rotates. Only took like 10 minutes, MAX, to set up. I'm amazed. But that's enough of that.

This is also something else I wanted to educate all of my readers about... and this is important, so listen up. If you ever are caught in a house/car fire and suffer severe burns over a majority of your body, and need a skin graft... you need to be aware of this first: YOU CAN GROW EXTRA NIPPLES!!!!

I try my best to clue you in to what's going on in my life, and also try and provide you with a bit of educational material as well. I really try my best here people, so please feel free to give me suggestions on how to make this better. Rob cares about you...

And for the daily question:

In 'Back To The Future', where did Doc Brown get the plutonium to power the time-travelling DeLorean?

For Every Winner...

For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them.

You know those little writeboards that kids have where you just push on the silver film with the wooden pencil and it writes, and then pull the film up to erase... yeah, I've got one. A "Business-Type" one, mounted on a little arm and everything. And I put Inspirational Quotes on it (a soon to be daily tradition). In case you haven't seen them - you can check out the De-Motivational posters at http://www.despair.com/

I want to say congrats to "Rachel" for winning the trivia question. It always interesting when a random wins the contest. So Rach, if you're reading this, you have full rights to post the next 80's movie trivia/quote for someone else to guess. But until then, a fairly easy quote:

You don't like it?
No I don't like it...
It's got a cop motor, a 440 cubic inch plant, it's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas. What do you say...

Today has been, yet another, painful day for me thanks to Taekwondo. Last night a guy and I smashed shins while sparring... and for some reason, my leg has decided that becoming one massive cramp was the best course of action. Seriously, it's as tight as a sorority girl's black booty pants... and unlike the pants, I am NOT a fan of what my leg is trying to pull here. I swear I'm not accident prone or anything, I'm just standing by the theory that when you're in a sport where you're kicking people, and something goes wrong, it's NEVER going to be just "a little" sore.

And now, something from the mail bag...
Today we got an informational brochure from "Aromalab Institute," a product called ErosStik. Not only does the brochure have nudity, but the tag line says "The first olfactory aphrodisiac--you smell it, you get a hard-on!" I'm sorry for the vulgarity of this post. But this is the kind of stuff we deal with at work. It boasts instant arousal in just one sniff. I can't make up stuff this good folks...

Anyways, that's what I got for today. I hope you got as much out of this as I did experiencing it.

Moving Day!

Alright, so today has been actually pretty busy at American Water Resources - and for Rob French. I did a whole lot of opening boxes, sorting things, organizing things, having managment tell me that they think our space would be more effectively set up in a way different than how we did it ourselves, having all sorts of misc. stuff crammed into our new pristine mail room, organizing all this crap so that it's out of our way, being told we had to reorganize it, and then finally winning the arguement that it really sholdn't be in our space anyways and carrying it out to the otherside of the room. It was all awesome, and took all day.

Good news: We got a CD player now in our mail room so we can rock out to Michael Jackson, Boyz II Men, and Bon Jovi.

Bad news: No new Smallville for this year.

Good news: Out of our stank-nasty trailer and into my own cubical and our own mail room.

Bad news: I'm still here. I think Rene and I are having a race to see who gets out first... she's pretty agressive with it right now, she may have an edge... but I can always get fired.

Good news: I could get fired.

Anyways... No good links for the day - haven't been on my computer at all, but I can give you your trivia question for the day! Good Luck People!

In Ferris Bueller's Day Off, what is the Principal's name, and the name of his assistant?

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer...

Alright, its been long enough after Thanksgiving for my first Christmas post. Here's what you've been missing, not being at American Water Resources, this holiday season. Melinda (aka Freemama) does not know all the words to Rudolph. So I wrote them all out for her and have her singing the "Like a lightbulb" part when we decide to break into song while sorting mail (read that "we" as "I").

Secondly Melinda and I were talking about new matchups (Freddy vs. Jason and the like) that might include Christmas icons. And I wondered to myself... If Rudolph could focus his nose energys, could he produce a beam of death from that nose of his. I mean, bright enough to guide santa's sleigh is a bit of energy - Rudolph may be a force to not mess with.

Thirdly, today we donated money towards "Community Christmas" here at work. The deal is, if you donate $10 you can wear blue jeans for that month. A lot of people are like, "I don't care enough about wearing blue jeans to spend $10" but that's hardly the point here. Its funny how some people can just become callused to anything work-related. Its about a kid getting a christmas present. Also I'd like to mention that I'm not speaking about one particular person at work, its more of a generalization that I believe a chunk of people probably fall into at American Water. Its not a specific person within the trailer... Not Rene or anything. Not that she takes toys OUT of the Toys for Tots bin and then gives them to her nieces and nephews or anything...

And since I haven't given you anything good from our mail lately, here's something from today:

"The Cat in the Hat on Aging"

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

Oh, my God, what can I do?

My memory shrinks

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell

My mood is bad -- can you tell?

My body's drooping

Have trouble pooping

The Golden Years have come at last

The Golden Years can kiss my ass

And for the quote of the day, this one by Trevor since he did win the trivia yesterday:

"Are you a god?"
"No"
"Then die!"
"When someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!"

Some days, All I want to be is a Missing Person.

Yeah, that title... Its on a T-Shirt. A T-Shirt that I'm wearing right now. Where did this-Shirt come from? I'm not so sure. I'm gonna say "Mom" on this one. All I know is that it was on my bed last night when I got home. So yeah, that means it's the theme for this monday and for the blog.

And enough of that theme. Lets move to Mike Tyson's Punch Out. That's right, I have, through the magic of emulation, Mike Tyson's Punch Out on my computer at work. This is THE new thing at work. As a going away present to Tim, I'm gonna make sure he has all the classics... Excitebike, Mario, Tetris, you know - the whole nine yards. So gues why this is a short post, and what I did all through my first break of the day. Yeah, that's right, Soda Popinsky is going down.

No Quote for the day... Even Better:
What special talent did Molly Ringwald have in The Breakfast Club?

Free Friday!!!

"Free Friday!!!" is a term that my good friend Kim coined at work on day when everyone was being... ummmm... let's say loud and less than productive throughout the trailer. Kim however was swamped with stuff and in a slightly exhasparated, and slightly audible gruff stated, "Well, I must have missed them memo. I didn't realize today was Free Friday." I, overhearing her, made a sign with balloons and streamers and "Free Friday" written in bold colorful letters and posted it on her wall. It has been a reoccuring theme (when I remember) to give her little post-its, or emails, or signs every friday to remind her of the new holiday. So I hope you all can start these traditions at your own places of employment. It's a great way to wrap up the week.

Anyways, today was exciting. We got to see our new homes within the main building. We will be officially out of the disease ridden hell hole that is the perverbial armpit of American Water by wednesday. I already have all my stuff packed into a box and it's sitting on my computer right now. I may be a tad early, but hey like I said, we're excited.

I also stumbled across a job opening with the American Heart Association. It's a managerial type position... I'll keep everyone posted on that as information becomes available. Its a St. Louis Job and starting pay said 35-45 a year. So I could deal with that. I emailed them today and will have my resume fixed up and submited this weekend.

Finally, today was good, because I felt like I was truely missed by all my loyal fans... even if I think Josh and Tim made up 11 of the 18 comments. You guys are all awesome and you give me a reason to go to work everyday. That's right, I hold updating this blog as the single most important reason to continue going to work every morning... that's how awesome my current job is.

My Linkage for the Day:
My Favorite (non Homestar Runner) Comic, The Grim Dot Com, dealt with the Grim Reaper being the host of a Darwin Awards Ceremony. So that's awesome. And there's something else a bit troubling that I came across today as well when purusing Google News today. Actually I had heard it earlier this week on NPR (National Public Radio), but I hear a lot of things on NPR and I like finding traceable, verifible information before passing it on - if nothing else, so you can do your own research. And yes, I did say I listen to NPR. If my choice is between Howard Stern and NPR on the way to work, I'll take NPR. True, I do normally listen to 89.9 "College Radio's Best," but sometimes they play crappy emo stuff and I'm forced to change the channel. (Speaking of which, Josh - you should check out "Spilled Canvas" or something like that). Woah, WAY off topic... anyways here's the article: Many Abstinence Only Sex Ed Programs Promote Ignorance and Fear. So that's your brain food for the day. Do with it as you wish.

And the quote for the day is still Tim's, mainly 'cause it's a really good one. Classic.

"This damn bike. I hate this bike. I hate this frigging bike. Stupid bike."

Sorry for the late post, I hope you can forgive. Good job Tim. Good job everyone. And a good weekend too!

Legos in Paradise.

Alright, Just a few items of note.

1) I held a $54,000 deposit in my hands today (again, mail that should NOT have reached our trailer). So that was exciting for me.

2) Josh is responsible for the Link o' the Day, and the title of this blog. Legos are something that I hold very dear to my heart. I was one of those kids who just had buckets and tubs full of 'em. And you may not know it, but great things are still being done with them. May I please direct your attention to The Brick Testament. That's right folks, its our favorite biblical stories, acted out in slideshow form, all in lego. You'll just have to take my word for it, this is WORTH checking out.

And on the same page, I have this Crazy Lady's Church. 75,000 legos and more than 2 years. This also is, At Least, 5 minutes well spent. One of my favorite pictures is the ones that show the shadows... it's not the most impressive for the lego/detail part of things, but just the idea there are intricate shadows cast strikes me as ridiculous.

3) The question of the day, is not a quote, because I think it's Scott's turn again to post a quote if he so feels, seeing that he won the last one. Here's the classic, age old question:

If you had a band,
what would it's name be.
After you pick the band name,
it up to everyone else to describe
what genre/music style you are.
So here's mine to start you off.
My band name would be....
{Drum Roll}...

Eat the Elderly.

And now its up to you to determine the style of my band. And now to get back to work 'cause thats all I got for today.

Ginormous Checks

We're talking Publisher's Clearing House size - That's what I want. This is a recent revelation I've had. I want to know where I can get my hands on some valid/legal big checks. Its best because I don't have any money. So it'd be me sending in my $14.99 magazine subscription payment on a check (that in all likeliness cost me more than $15 in itself). But somethings are simply worth it. I know if I recieved a Huge Check here at work... it'd make my month. Heck, it's probably all I'd blog about for a week. So 50 points to whomever finds me some legal, big checks.

The Link o' the Day is News of the Weird
I thank Tim (co-worker Tim not intestinal tract Tim) for that link. And it is pretty quality... here's a sample from today:

1997 -- Toby L. Sanders, 34, was charged with aggravated battery in Carmi, Ill., in January for chopping off the right middle finger of Lester E. Massey, 35. According to police, each man agreed to let the other chop off a finger, but apparently Sanders reneged after he saw how bad Massey's hand looked. (Police said alcohol was involved in the original agreement.)

About the Quote... Josh, shy of Googling, I don't have a guess. And the thing is, I've thought about it so much now, I don't know if it's actaully familar to me, or I've just tricked myself into thinking it is. So I assume that Josh's quote will stand until someone figures it out, or Josh decides to reveal it. I also assume that whomever guesses it will be given some sort of award of his making. However, until that time, I have a new quote for the day... and it keeps with my vampire theme of last time:

"One thing about livin’ in Santa Carla I never could stomach – All the damn vampires!"

Have fun! Later.

Pride Can Be a Good Thing... Unless You're Tim

So we know that taking pride in one's work is good, right? Well, that is unless your "work" is now 209 squares and over 33,000 points. Tim is getting frickin' unbearable. If I had the time and energy to devote, I'd knock him off his high horse in no time... I'm debating practicing at home. Anyways - I am permentantly extending the Squares Challenge to the masses, let's see what you got. Even if it's no where near Tim's. Frankly, eBaumsworld is bragging about a 18,000 point highscore, so Tim is blowing them away.

Also quick story. I had a "Bush Sucks" icon on my desktop... and a particular member of upper managment saw it and claimed that we weren't allowed to have "political statments" on our desktop... well, he says this as he's throwing around his own weight in Pro-Bush B.S. and even pulls out the "Besides, you're not gay are you?" Isn't it great that homophobia is such a driving force in our country, nothing worse than the thought of dudes kissing. Anyways. Since I can't make "political statments" at work, and I didn't want to argue with upper management... I got rid of my little picture. Oh yeah, and I replaced it with a gay pride sticker. Nice Rainbow flag with a pink triangle in the middle. So many people think that calling you gay is the worst thing they can think of... eh, I could care less. GO GAY PRIDE!!! Down with GayHaters! and... I'm done. Sorry, it builds up sometimes.

Anyways, that's my lecture on pride today. The 80's Quote will be posted soon via the comments section... won't it josh. Alright, I'm going back to flamboyantly sorting the mail.

Happy Greenday!

Sooo.... I, through perfectly legal means, obtained the new greenday CD (American Idiot) and their greatest hits album (International Superhits). So that's why today is no longer Monday, but Greenday. And just so all my worried fans know, I'm starting to feel much better. So that's good! But this isn't a blog about me, it's about me at work. So this is what you've all missed out on today.

1) Smoking Sucks. Rene (QB) quit smoking Sept 18th. And she's still going strong. So that's awesome. Donna, another co-worker-overseer type person, said that she's quitting today! So that's two points for the ol' Lungs. And I would have everyone know, that this was NONE of my doing. As any of the other people here at work if they've EVER heard me preach about smoking or anything. What I can do, is try and support people once they've made their decision to stop. Which is why I'm taking a moment to say that "Rene is Awesome!!!!" and Donna is rapidly approaching awesomeness. I think everyone should give Rene a hug today... it really is a shame that I had to fire her today (multiple times).

2) The Links for today that have been passed around via company email today:

213 Things Skippy Can't Do This guy reminds me of my time in the army... had I been in the army that is. By all accounts and research, this is a fairly factual list of things that "Skippy" has actually been told that he cannot do, through either his own actions, or those of others around him. It's pretty entertaining.

The Hardee's Heartattack! I think I'm in love... heart clogging love.

Squares This is Tim and I's new game for the day. I will go ahead and post the challenge to you all. We'll keep you updated on the highscores via comments, and you should do likewise. Currently Tim has the high with 185 squares and a score of 26,653. Good luck.

3) Finally the quote section. Scott, no one got your quote. Jen (here at work) got it because of the "Heat is On" hint, and that's about it. So congrats Jen on that, and to Scott for a difficult quote... for everyone else, the movie was "Beverly Hills Cop." So here's the one for today... Its from Jen and there's a bit of a lead in that I cut out (because it would make it ridiculously easy). So here you go:

"You want me to go to the graveyard with you..."
"Yes."
"Does Elvis talk to you? Does he tell you do to things? Do you see spots?"
"Spots?"

Let's Do This!

Alright, I get off work in 15 minutes... and I have to make a frickin' awesome post to last through the Skanksgiving Break. Pressure is on! Can I handle it? It's gotta be good...

So what to write about, I could do another bitch'n'moan session about how management came out and told us that they were thinking about letting us go early... and then never did! But I doubt you want to hear about that. I could write about how we all went out to Applebee's for Kimmy's Birthday. And that's why I had to work over an hour to make up for that time taking a lunch, and how they forgot to place our order, and our waiter was stoned outta his mind, and my Orange Crispy Chicken Skillet was awesome... but I doubt you want to hear about that as well. SOOoooo...... Instead I'm gonna tell you a little story. Something that came to me on my drive to work today.

For those of you who don't know, Scotty2Hotty is actually a distant cousin of mine. You know the type. One of those Married into the family, don't really go to the same family reunions, second/third removed things on my mom's side that we don't really want to claim anyways. And TimmyTapeworm is my best friends brother, who happens to be a stand-alone decent friend of mine anyways. Well, I just realized that my earliest memory of Scott happens to coincide with my earliest strong memory of Tim. How wierd is that? I bet they won't even know what I'm talking about after I tell it, but I swear its true.

I was probably in Jr. High (putting them in Elementary) and The Ryder (Tim) Family and The French (Me) family went to the Gresham (Scott) Family's house for Halloween Party. It was actually a lot like the ones you see on TV. They had done the attic up like a haunted house, and they had covered bowls that you were suppost to stick you hand in... and the cold spagatti was brains, and Olives were eyeballs, or something like that. It was also my first experience with Dry Ice, but that's a whole other story. Anyways - This Attic Halloween Party was at Scott's house and I'm not so sure I've spoken to him in real life since then. Tim was apparently forced to go along, and not enjoying it one bit. This was during Tim's awkward stage. I mean, the boy was smarter than most of the adults in the room and it made him a bit shy or something. It wasn't very many years later that he discovered he could use this keen intellitect for the good of humor, and could make people laugh by simply pointing out how dumb others could be. Anyways, sorry for bring up that story Tim, but its good to remember our awkward, antisocial roots. We all love you.

Well that wasn't really the great post I was hoping for.... Dammit... I always crack under pressure. Well, I can leave you with a quote if nothing else, and if at least 5 people complain about this post sucking, I'll make a new one over break, deal? Here's Scott's quote, good luck guys.

"Disturbing the peace? I got pushed out of a window! Tell me something, what's the charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?"

"Been Caught Stealing, Once When I Was Five..."

Alright, since Scotty seemed incapable of coming up with a quote to consummate his victory - I'm just gonna have to do it for him. Way to go, Scott.

"He'll keep calling me.

He'll keep calling me until I come over.

He'll make me feel guilty.
This is uh... This is ridiculous,

ok I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.

What-- I'LL GO.
Shit."

Alright gang, have fun with that one. And The magic word for today is "Stealing." So you all know what to do when you hear someone say the magic word, right? No, not get busted for indecent exposure and send your already sad career down the toilet... anyways, here's your education for the day:

Robbery Foiled When
Bandits Can't Figure Out How To Open Door
Man cuts off thieving teens' penises
Common Ways Students Cheat on Exams
Judge Gives Lasagna Thief 40 Years
Thief smelled out

Alright, so there you go. Don't steal. I hope I helped all of you waste some precious time, as I had wasted gathering these up. I'm still sick, but I'm trying to provide... cut me some slack.

This job is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job you would have recieved bonuses, raises and promotions.

Ok, I know I promised frickin awesome posts this week, but here's the deal. I'm not feeling to hot right now. But I'm gonna try my best.

Congrats on getting the Real Genius Quote. Excelent movie - check it out if your craving some 80's love. FeedsGators, I knew you'd know it... you said it was one of your favorites. And the unsigned post who gave the setup and everything was my friend, Phil. And since Jen passed her win along to him, I'll let him use his quote for today's game.

"Wait! I have an idea! Slick Shoes!!!"
"Slick Shoes?? Are you crazy?!"

So there you go folks. Maybe that can be the new thing, if the winner wants, they can post the new 80's quote themselves. It'd be optional, so don't worry about it if you don't have one.

The title of this post, was a printout that we recieved from a customer in a return envelope. Why? Who knows, but we all thought it was hilarious. I may not be recieving any promotions (nor do I WANT one) but I did just reach my 1500 hour mark with my temp agency. Which means I get paid vacations (i.e. Thurs/Fri) and I get 5 paid vacation days too! I expect to use them in the near future and getting out of here shortly there after. How about using the vacation day to try and get a new job - sounds like a plan to me.

Here's your awesome link for the day - Target sells Anal Massage DVD (thanks Trevor!) Everyone, have an awesome Monday, I'm getting off work at 2 and not going to Taekwondo tonight to try and recouporate. Later suckers.

"The System is Down."

Alright, so I went to comment on yesterday's post and typed it all up twice. Once I accidently closed it, when I meant to minimize and once I accidentally Logged Out instead of Submitting... it's just one of those days. So here's the summary: I find it funny that the same reasons that Jimmy Buffet fans give for liking him, are the same as the reason I can't stand him. Seriously "Let's Get Drunk and Screw" and "Cheeseburger in Paradise," give me a break. Secondly, I couldn't believe that a random won the quote contest... Congrats GatorBoy. Now the rule that I'm going to make right now, is that you can't win twice in a row. So Gator is ineligable for today's but can try again on Monday, if you decide to become a regular. Anyways, Today's 80's Quote Quiz! Remember, no googling, first to name the movie and something about the scenerio (mainly to prove you didn't just google it), and Gator can't guess.

"What's all this??"
"This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated"

So, for today's actual content... "The System is Down."
Here's the problem with structure and having a system. Then everyone just tries to get around it. New Boss here is more worried about numbers and things coming out right on paper than she is with being realistic. And so I know that as long as the numbers come out right... we don't have to worry about anything. Now, under old management, the boss was always talking to us, checking in with us, asking about our weekend and such. And it wasn't just idle chitchat... it was legitamite conversation. He gave us respect and I had a great deal of respect for him. I worked hard because I didn't want him to be disappointed. New management however... not so much. I really feel that we are all simply numbers and therefore, I really don't care too much. Let that be a lesson to all you future managerial-types out there. High morale is more important than that mysterious email that tells us that we took a 16-minute break (1 minute over) last Tuesday.

Ok, I swear, next week = FRICKIN' AWESOME POSTS! No gripes, no BS, just quality material. Thanks for hanging in there for me. I'll tell you what, tell me what previous posts you liked, and which ones you didn't... let me know so I can cater to YOUR needs. But for now, I'm out like a porch light in the ghetto.

80's Movies Fun!!!

Anyone ever seen the movie "Heathers" starring Winona Ryder, Christian Slater and Shannen Doherty. It's the original "Mean Girls," except instead of mean - they're deadly. It's a black comedy, meaning its a bit sadistic yet humorous. Anyways, Jen at work was nice enough to introduce it to me and I'm forever in her debt because of it. So why am I bringing this up?

Teenage Girls Serve Poison Cake to Classmates

So there you have it folks. Its a screwed up world. But on a lighter note, I have a new game. Its called Name the movie (and if possible, the set-up) for an 80's movie quote. NO CHEATING!!! That means you're on the honor system not to Google it (Ro, this means you too.) And today's quote is an easy one to get us going:

"You shouldn't drink. It's bad for you... JESUS AND YOU SMOKE TOO!?!?"

"Marty, you're starting to sound like my mother."

And to round out my 80's movies post, my favorite 80's movies memory...
When I was younger, we had that collection of VHS tapes where we would record movies right off of HBO or whatever. It was a pretty nice size collection - but I'll tell you which ones I wore out the quickest... Tremors, Critters, and Gremlins. In Rob French's childhood, those are the classics, the Great Gatsby of my time. And now I own most of them on DVD, and DVD's never wear out.

In keeping with the holiday theme:

I would like to thank you all--for being so wonderful and supportive, warm and caring, loyal and honest... etc etc etc. But now since we've discussed all the things that I have and am thankful for. Lets now switch gears to the things that I have not.

I need some help with my Christmas wish list. The parents and grandparents are asking what I want... So here's what I got so far:

Steamer/Rice Cooker
World Peace
Some Car Wash Gift Certificates
Bush's Conviction as a War Criminal and Impeachment
A Heavy Bag (So I have something to beat besides my girlfriend... therapist says it'd do me some good)
a 2006 Pontiac Solstice (Gotta go with GM 'cause of dad, and that car does look pretty sweet)

So like I said, my list needs some work. I need some more ideas (some serious ones wouldn't be so bad either... if you got 'em.) I hope everyone has a happy Wednesday! SMALLVILLE'S ON TONIGHT! and Southpark! I'll try and get something interesting up on this blog next time. But hey, at least I post (ahem... Tim). Later!

Turkey, Turkey Tofurkey

(sing the title to the tune of "The Name Game")

Alright, So it's a little soon for Thanksgiving posts, but I've got some fodder to play with. Updates on what's going on in the trailer park that I call work: We opened some mail yesterday and all it had in it was a note that said "Bite Me Bitch!!!" It could have been a 20-30 year old guy, but it hardly seems right that a younger guy would get all up in arms about "junk mail." That's normally our 50-90 year old demographic. And it makes it funnier to think of a 80 year old guy with Parkinson's (refer to last post) saying 'bite me bitch'.

Also, Being Boiled Hurts: LobsterLib.com and What's Wrong With Eating Turkeys
Peta has been coming in full force with the holiday season approaching. Did you know that "Turkeys are interesting, intelligent, resourceful, curious, agile and beautiful". I hope you remember that this Thanksgiving. Also remember that

"Factory-farmed birds are fed antibiotics and have been purposely bred to gain an enormous amount of weight in a short period of time. This leads to painful, swollen joints, crippled feet, and heart attacks."

Was that last part about the Turkeys? or the American Public? And who are they kidding? Do they think we want to eat some anorexic, skin and bones, turkey for our thanksgiving feast? I think not!

Breyn posed a good question to me earlier: Tofu-rkey. Good Thanksgiving Alternative, Disgusting Concept, or just a Really Funny Word.

Everyone remember to be thankful this holiday, and I want to give us all the chance to start preparing for the inevitable question: What are you thankful for? So Let me provide the space to share some of your own ideas and help others brainstorm. I, for one am thankful for Kristen Kruek, The Incredibles, Chocolate, We haven't been nuked... yet, Southpark, My computer, and My Blogittes.

(*Geeze, I had a lot of typos on this thing... fixed 'em though)

Offensive is Funny

Hewwo Everybody! I'm back from my long weekend upstate and had an awesome time. Watched movies, ate good food, played games, saw Ro's sister in her Highschool Play... which prompts my next discussion. The play took place in a home for people with special needs. Therefore, all but two of the people in it were mentally handicapped in some way. The play was good, however it prompted Ro's brother and I to be as offensive as possible. Offensive is funny - this is not a new concept by any stretch of the imagination. When asked "So what'd you think of the play?" I of course responded with, "That play was Retarded." Now I believe there are rules for offensive being funny, and most importantly being, it should be clear that you are not serious in the slightest. Secondly, you should be considerate towards others who may overhear. Offensive may be funny, but actually offending people is not.

Anne (Ro's Sister) after the play said, it was ironic that the cast had used the term "retarded" more often now, than before the play, and that was hardly the desired goal. They said that it didn't make any sense, but it was true. I beg to differ. I believe that everyone in the play may have in fact, become much more sensitive to the issue. I don't believe sensitivity can be judged on what is said in jest, in private company. I know that as much as I may have joked about it at the time, if I ever heard anyone being derogatory or mean-spirited speaking of, or to, a mentally challanged person... it would be an entirely different story. I'd like to believe it may have had a similar effect on others. I believe that you show true character when given the opportunity to stand up for someone other than yourself... not when making a joke. A joke is just that. Not to be taken seriously, and is more often than not - an occasion when you are laughing at the ignorant people who truely think the way that you are mocking, and not the actual subject of the joke.

What do you think?

"That Chick Sounded Hot."

A quote by my at work neighbor, Tim, right after getting off the phone with a customer. The thing is... Every guy knows what's he's talking about. And probably even said it outloud at least at one point. But it made me laugh and therefore gets the Headline spot of today's post.

I'm going to use a moment to introduce you all to Tim. Well, not exactly, because the jerk just this moment left me to go to lunch. So the interview I was thinking about doing is now not possible. But I can still fill you in on who Tim is. My relationship with Tim is one of those great work relationships, where even though I would say that I "know" Tim, I don't know hardly any factual information about him. I know he has a girlfriend, don't know her name. I know he went to college and is currently looking for a job in law enforcement, but don't know what school he went to or even what town he currently lives in. And as far as "facts," that's about all I know. But Tim and I get along great, and most of this greatness is based upon a shared love for online flash games. AddictingGames.com, Miniclip.com, or eBaumsWorld for a few.

Some of our favorites were Crypt Raider (100 levels), Acno's Energizer and Aqua's Energizer. There are all, in essence, the same game with just different puzzles and we beat all 3. Pac Man was a biggie for a while from eBaums - I hold the high score of 80,680 (9/17/04). Tim played more Jumper (eBaums), and I really suck at that one. This was all before we went to the main building not that long ago. And apparently in my absence, Tim has been a lost soul. He has been doing nothing but playing PingPong (Miniclip) all the time. Its redonkulous. So yeah, that's Tim. And that's all the time I have for this post. Sorry if it sucked, but I'm out of time and gotta go. I'm heading north for the weekend for some "thing" Ro's making me go to, and I have to actually meet the dad tonight as "the boyfriend." That's always intense. Anyways, wish me luck. I'm gone.

Endorsements and Sponsors

I don't drink coffee. I drink tea. Not just any tea mind you... TWININGS of London. Blended by no other than R. Twining & Co in London, England. On the top of each package it says "By appointment to her majesty Queen Elizabeth II..." This is the OFFICAL tea of London, the OFFICAL country of tea. And now I'm thinking, why haven't I endorsed anything yet? I mean, I'm an influential individual within some circles. As small and mostly fictitious as they may be.

So now the question presents itself, on what or whom do I bestow my blessing? Most of the good products are already taken, and the ones that aren't, no one wants.

The Incredibles? Awesome flick. McDonald's is already on that boat however. I've got Elasti-girl's action figure on my monitor right now. Besides, currently The Incredibles is still on Disney's ticket. And everyone knows that there's that one scene in the Lion King. When Simba flops down and the leaves all blow up into the sky. And they spell out "Worship Satan" or "Kill You Parents" or "Vote Bush" or some ridiculous shit like that. And I could never endorse a product associated with that.

So I think I made my decision... Rob's Office Space and Rob French will now, in front of the whole wide internet. Will endorse "John Stewart." I have started watching every episode of The Daily Show as well as buying his book. (one of my favorite parts is the "Color by Number Senate." It has a painting of the first Senate, as well as a 2003 photograph. Then all the faces are empty outlines with a "1" in them. Key at bottom reads "1 = White") I do have Tim to thank for initially showing me that shining beacon of light that is John Stewart via his own site. And now I reach out to all of you. Rob says John Stewart is, "Good Stuff."
The Daily Show

Hello and Welcome to Hell, May I take your order?

They've moved us. Again.
Apparently, since the released our temps, we have room for 4 of the 5 of us in the main building to come back in... Actually... here's the offical email:

Hello Everyone,
Pat wants everyone back in the trailer tomorrow. One person is going to have to stay over in the call center. I will let you decide, please start bringing everything over tonight.
Thanks.

What IS that? One of had to stay inside, all by themselves, so the rest of us could cram back into our inadaquate, smelly, giant fire hazard, petri-dish like double wide? Yay! At least they said thanks.

Aside from getting cool stuff from customers... yesterday we got some old guy's bank deposit, including social security check, for $8000. Apparently he figured that he could just put it in our evelope, addressed to us, and it would find the bank. But anyways, aside from that, some of our customers just have good names. And I keep a list:

Randy Bonecutter

Will Smith

Mallory Trueblood

Michael BATMAN

Michael Jackson

Johnny Goodman

Zelda Langford

Calvin Quattlebaum (Sounds like it should be on Harry Potter)

Mary French (My Grandma's name!)

George Lucas

John Lennon

So there you have it. Anyone else know anyone with a cool name. Or wish your name was cool. Or anything else you can comment about that has to do with names. Or anything totally unrelated to names - that's cool too.

Get US Out!!!

Alright, another Tuesday... another day I want to beat my head against something sharp. Why, you may ask? We got 4000 pieces of mail today. If that doesn't sound like a lot to you, get your head checked. We have to sort the envelopes by State and Type, and count them, and then open them and sort them more specifically, and then count them, and then enroll them. and there's 4 of us. We may get all of them open and sorted today, but that's really a lie.

What's really frustrating, is that we had 4 temporary employees let go yesterday. And "The Powers That Be" have decided that no overtime is allow this week. So, it'd be nice if TPTB would walk over here and see how we are DROWNING in mail. I didn't even go on my morning break today - that's right, ME the Diligant worker. And now we hear that TPTB are going to start checking our numbers and try and start hounding us on how we're working... our responce - "eh..." Its awesome. Of the 4 of us who do all the mail and enrollments in this forsaken company, 3 of us really don't give a shit if we get fired. And I whole-heartedly mean that. Would not care in the slightest. I mean, we get managed as if we were just numbers on a page. As if this was a company of 500 people... not 20. Seriously, it's all f'd up. If you want to know what it's like, just look up the defination for "micromanage" on the internet.

But I'm glad I can always turn to my mail for a smile. If I've ever down, there's always an uplifting message, or a few words of wisdom for me within these little treasures. Like today, I got "The UN is NOT your friend!" Oh, and when I said "makes me smile," I meant "makes me hate mankind." What kind of moron believes that UN wants to start a world religion that is some obscure neo-hippie-love-the-earth b.s. If a world religion was going to be pushed, I guarentee it would be Christianity or Islam. You know something with a following of +2 Billion People as is and spread thoughout the globe. But if the morons didn't buy the "religion" line. The threw in the obligitory "They're gonna take your guns" line. That's sure to get 'em. Did I mention it was a pro-Bush advertisement that this came in? "Which do you want? Kerry's UN or Bush's America!" I guess that makes a little more sense...

I'm off to find something sharp.

The Interview

Alright Ro, State your full name:

Rowela Rhea Quiaoit

Woah, that's a mouthful... or at least a lot of vowels. There's a story behind your name, is there not?

Yes there is. My parents made up my first name. My dad's name is Robert and my mom's name was Teofila. They took the first part of my dad's name, "Ro" and the last part of my mom's name, "la" and combined them with a "we" in the middle. And instead of pronouncing it with a long "E," it's a short E

Right... So your dad's name is Robert, that's pretty sweet. So is mine!

Wow, look at that. We have a connection
Well, it's nice to see you have such a strong name, Robert.

And your two siblings, Kris and Anne... Can you tell us a little bit about them?

Anne is 16 years old. She's a junior in high school. She's involved in the speech team and dance. Ever since joining the speech team she has become incredibly theatre. I like to call her a flamboyantly gay man.
And Kris is 21 years old. He is a junior at Illinois State University, where I go to school as well. As of this year he has become an overachiever. He actually studies for tests now, and he helped me cheat on a test. And I am proud to say that I got a 97% on it.

Is it true he can be a real dick?

Of course. He tried to kill me when we were younger. He told me we were going to play a game called "Astronaut." He put a Jewel bag over my
head and closed it at my throat. He said, "Ok, you're the astronaut!" and ran away.

Yep. That's my boy! Lets see: "Family... check"
Now lets get to know Ro, the person. What are your Hobbies?

Hobbies... well, I love to dance. From 6th grade to senior year of high school I took ballet. My senior year I also took lyrical, jazz, tap and hip-hop. The last two I was horrible at. I miss it now though, the dance classes don't really fit with my class schedule.
This year I also started a recycling program on my floor. And I have gone through many a floormates garbage can for the sake of the environment.

Ahh.. so you're an Eco-Freak.

Of course. The smell of month old rotting garbage couldn't keep me away from the recyclables.

What's your favorite Movie right now?

My favorite movie right now would have to be... The Incredibles. I watched it this weekend and it was AWESOME! I wish I had super powers! I went with my brother Kris, his girlfriend Ashely, my boyfriend, Mandy and Earl.

Your boyfriend, eh? What kinda guy is he?

Well, he has some of the characteristics of an abusive boyfriend. He's controlling, always telling me what to do. He yells at me when I talk to other boys. He hits me too, and then tells me he doesn't mean it... I don't know. He kind of scares me, but I'm scared he might do something if I bring it up. He gets... emotional... He can be really sweet sometimes... but other times... he really scares me. He's taking Taekowndo lessons right now and he's getting very good at it... I'm afraid he might hurt me.

Man, So if he's such a bad person... why are you still with him?

It's like I said, he gets emotional... and with these Taekwondo lessons... I'm afraid of what he's gonna do. He punched me yesterday... it didn't really hurt, but he said he wasn't even hitting me hard.

Well, I may have some good news for you. I'm aware of a fellow blogger, who has been speaking quite highly of you as of late. Not only that, but he's 6'9" and took TaeKwonDo himself. A intellectual gentleman by the name of: Timmy Tapeworm. Were you aware of this?

I have heard about it yes. And I have met the Timmy Tapeworm in question. I am extremely flattered by the whole thing. I think it's very sweet, and I haven't felt that special in a long time. My only concern is.... I have heard... rumors of course... that he has a single strand of foot long nipple hair. I don't like to believe in rumors, and this one sounds particularly freakish, so it can't possibly be true. But, if it were... that's vile.

Alright! Well Rob's Office Space, being a respectable blog, does not condone the spreading of any rumors. So it is important for all of it's readers to know that this is purely speculation. But if found to be true, remember, you heard it here first! And on that note, I think this is a great opportunity to run out of time. I would like to thank my guest, Rowela Quiaoit for joining me...

Thank you for having me. This was a wonderful experience.

I'll see you all tomorrow, same blog time, same blog channel. Goodnight Everybody.